Agree to Agree: The Importance Of BDSM Slave Contracts 

When it comes to managing the intricacies of a power dynamic-based relationship, few things are as helpful as having everyone involved agree to a certain set of rules. In Master/Mistress and slave relationships, these rules are often codified in the form of BDSM slave contracts.

The tricky part is working out the details, something that encompasses everyone's expectations and their physical as well as emotional limitations. Understanding the difference between kinky fantasies and the realities of living as owner and slave can make contractual negotiations a breeze while misunderstandings can stop everything before the fun can even start.

To keep your master/mistress-slave relationship alive and well, let's go over some BDSM slave contract essentials, including how everyone can have their desires met, when to renegotiate, and why it's better to respect not the letter but the spirit of your slave contract.

What are BDSM slave contracts?

First off, never mistake fiction for fact. In most kinky books, stories, movies, porns and so forth, the dominant dictates what their property must or must not do — usually as their slave cowers at their feet — with punishments aplenty promised to befall even the slightest failure to abide by their inflexible rules.

In reality, slave contracts must be mutually agreed upon by owner and slave. So, it's never "my way or the highway" in a healthy master/mistress-slave relationship. Rather, each person should lay out what they absolutely need, what they might be open to if certain conditions are met, and what must never, ever happen. Period. 

But before you even discuss your proposed relationship dynamics, it's essential to work out who and what each of you are, and want to be, so you can devise a thorough slave contract that fits everyone's unique needs.

Every mistress/master-slave contract is different

The thing about BDSM slave contracts is they're never one-size-fits-all. For instance, if the participants are into humiliation play, their contract might include rules like:

• Slave must greet Owner by licking their feet clean until ordered to stop.
• Slave may not speak unless spoken to.
• Slave shall never look Owner in the eye.
• Slave should always refer to themselves as a "Dirty little piggy."

Meanwhile, if everyone's into domestic service play, their slave contract might include:

• Slave must keep their body clean and shaven at all times.
• Slave may not eat in their owner's prescence.
• Slave shall never rest until Owner's home is properly maintained.
• Slave should always wear their maid's uniform.

The point is to tailor your slave contract to your individual needs, wants, and desires — not someone else's. The exact details of your contract will depend on the kinks and fetishes you and your new mistress or master like to engage in, and what you're both willing — and not willing — to do.

What is and isn't consensual

My own five-year stint as a collared, 24/7 slave is a good example of a contracted relationship gone… well, not good.

For one thing, my owner didn't discuss her stipulations with me, which included emailing her every night, giving her access to my finances, and, most of all, putting her needs above my own. Why did I go along with all this? I'm ashamed to say I forgot the cardinal rule of being a BDSM slave or submissive: that we, not our dominants, should be in control and not the other way around.

Eventually, I also realized I never actually consented to be her slave, as she made it quite clear if I failed to agree, it would end our relationship. Remember, no one can consent to anything if they feel it's explicitly or implicitly clear that they can't refuse without risking harm. The threat of breaking up interfered with my ability to provide enthusiastic consent, which meant that my consent was actually coerced.

Unfortunately, coerced consent isn't uncommon in kinky relationships.

A kinkster friend shared with me later, "Of course, I did whatever he told me to. If I didn't, he'd throw a fit or give me the silent treatment."

Does this mean you and your slave or owner shouldn't consider drawing up a mutually agreed-upon contract? Of course not. Just make sure that everyone is able to enthusiastically consent, which requires frank and honest discussions of the power dynamics in the relationship and any perceived threats that could coerce consent.

Nothing's set in stone

Once you and your partner have talked over what you need, want, and don't like, worked out your BDSM relationship roles, and decided how you want your arrangement to reflect them, it's time to write everything down, and slap on your signatures. Congratulations! You've made your BDSM slave contract official!

However, "official" doesn't mean "forever." Yes, master-slave contracts can be invaluable in establishing, codifying, and maintaining a slave/owner relationship, but when all's said and done, they're only a piece of paper. It's never stronger than the very human bonds between people who care and respect one another. Relationships change over time, and as they do, your BDSM slave contracts should change as well! Always make sure that your contract matches what each of you currently needs by revisiting it on a regular basis, or whenever something doesn't feel right anymore.

One last thing to forever keep in mind: despite how much you're into — as in really, really into — being a contracted owner and slave, both of you, first and foremost, are people.

"Sometimes we just want to chill out," a fellow slave told me, "and sometimes we don't want to make it so formal, but other times we do. We play it by ear."

As my friend put it, it's okay just to be friends, lovers, or playmates, setting aside your contract for a day, a week, or however long each of you may need. Because that's the true test of any relationship, BDSM or otherwise: the people involved know when it's time to stick to the rules and when it's better not to.