Cyber sex is internet-based sexual interaction that doesn’t involve person-to-person contact. People having cyber sex might masturbate during their encounters, but this isn’t always the case.
Cyber sex is sometimes called internet sex, computer sex, or netsex. Some people also shorten having cyber sex to cybering.
Types of cyber sex
There are several different types of cyber sex, including:
- Sexting: Sending sexual text messages via cellphones or direct messaging services.
- Webcamming: Broadcasting sexual video content using a separate web camera or camera embedded in a computer or phone.
- Using teledildonics: Playing with internet-connected sex toys, which allow a remote person to control the user’s stimulation via a website or app.
- Engaging with chatbots: Exchanging sexual messages with an AI entity.
- Alternate reality (AR) and virtual reality (VR) sex: Interacting sexually in virtual worlds with other users.
Some people also consider viewing online erotica or pornography as cyber sex. However, unlike the other types of cyber sex, this doesn’t involve more than one participant.
Who has cyber sex?
Research shows cyber sex is very common, especially among young adults. A 2005 study of Swedish web users found nearly a third of participants had had cybersexual experiences. While men seemed less interested in cybersex as they age, women’s interest increased slightly. Thirty-seven percent of 35- to 49-year-old women surveyed had cybersexual experiences, compared to just 25 percent of men of the same age. This paper also found people in committed relationships were just as likely to have these experiences as single people.
In 2006, Canadian dating community CampusKiss.com surveyed the nation’s college students about sex and dating. It found that 87 percent of the 2,500 young people surveyed had cyber sex. More recently, the Kinsey Institute’s 2021 research into sextech found 79% of men and 51% of women had used some form of sextech, such as sexting or camming.
People who cyber sex and their relationships
The Kinsey Institute study also busted myths about the kind of people who engage in cyber sex.
“A common misconception is that people turn to the Internet for romantic or sexual connection because they are incapable of forming relationships face-to-face,” Dr. Amanda Gesselman, Anita Aldrich Endowed Research Scientist and Associate Director for Research at the Kinsey Institute, noted in a press statement. “Our results provide evidence to the contrary, suggesting that online sexual spaces aren’t functioning as ‘last resorts’ for people who haven’t been able to form sexual relationships in real life. Instead, it’s likely that many users in these spaces do have social support and adequate social networks, but they’re turning to online sexual technologies for a unique boost to their psychological mindset.”
The relationships between people who engage in cyber sex can vary. As people can be anonymous online, cyber sex often occurs between strangers. Some people may enjoy being able to explore their sexuality through cyber sex, free from the judgment of people they know.
Cyber sex can also be an appealing option for people in a variety of relationships. People in long-distance relationships may enjoy using cyber sex to maintain intimacy when they can’t physically touch one another. Cyber sex can also be a way for people to maintain intimacy when person-to-person contact isn’t practical, such as when a person is ill. Cyber sex was also an attractive option when people practiced social distancing during the Covid-19 pandemic.
“For couples in a new relationship, cybersex offers a relatively safe way to learn about each other's sexual preferences, boundaries, and communication styles,” Seth Eisenberg, the president of relationship skill-building organization The PAIRS Foundation, told Kinkly.
He added that cyber sex can also be a useful tool for more established couples seeking more variety in their sexual interactions. “Introducing cybersex can add excitement and novelty, helping keep the relationship dynamic and engaging. It allows couples to try new things and keep the spark alive.”
How to negotiate cyber sex
The way people negotiate cyber sex varies depending on whether they’re cybering with an established partner or someone they meet online specifically for a cyber sex encounter.
People in relationships might discuss their interest in cyber sex ahead of time. They could talk about what type of cyber sex they’re interested in and how it might unfold between them. Discussing limits and triggers at this time can help partners feel comfortable during cyber sex.
When having cyber sex with a stranger or online acquaintance, it’s important to be mindful of the other participant’s interest and limitations. If a conversation seems to be heating up, participants can make sure the person they’re chatting to is on board by asking questions like “Does that feel turn you on?” or “How about I …?” Gaining consent before sending sexually explicit images or videos can ensure they’ll be well-received.
There are also paid cyber sex services, such as webcam shows. Negotiating these encounters can be more straightforward, as service providers make clear what their rates include. Users should respect the boundaries these providers and their sex workers set and never push past set limits.
Staying safe during cyber sex
As cyber sex doesn’t involve person-to-person contact, it doesn’t carry many of the risks of regular sex, such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. However, there are still some risks people should consider before engaging in cyber sex.
Maintain personal privacy
The messages people send via cyber sex may get saved and shared with others. People may also post sexually explicit images on websites or distribute them through emails. Cybersex also carries a risk of sextortion. Cyber criminals may encourage people they’re cybering with to click links which activate viruses or malware that leaves a user’s device open to hacking. Once the cybercriminal has access to the user’s contact list, they may demand money to prevent them sharing explicit content with people the user knows.
Cyber sex is safest on secure platforms with known, trusted people. If cybering with anonymous partners, people can reduce their risk by sticking to text-based communication or avoiding filming their face and other identifiable markers, such as tattoos. They may also like to remove other items that reveal their identity, such as awards with visible names, from the camera’s line of sight. It’s also advisable to use an online alias rather than a real name.
It’s also best to always use personal devices and accounts for cyber sex, as employers may monitor their employees’ use of company property. Tech tools like virtual private networks and encrypted messaging apps can also help people maintain their privacy during cyber sex. Paying for cyber sex services can also be safer than cybering with random online users, as businesses typically have clear privacy policies and use modern security tools.
Set personal limits
As with sex in the real world, sexologist and couples therapist Sofie Roos from Passionerad told Kinkly that cyber sex can escalate quickly and leave people with feelings of shame or embarrassment.
“Set rules for yourself and decide beforehand what you are comfortable showing,” she suggested. “It’s easy to get caught by the heat and/or persuaded to show more than you actually want, so set the rules before you start and don’t cross them! That will make you less likely to regret the cyber sex when you’re done.”
She also encouraged online users to avoid using drugs or alcohol while cybering to make informed choices about cyber sex activities and online safety.
Be aware it's addictive
Having cyber sex can also become addictive. Roughly 20 percent of people with an internet addiction say they’re addicted to online sexual activity, which may include cyber sex. A 2017 study from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro also found up to 10 percent of students are addicted to cyber sex.
“An addiction can not only make you lose focus on important things such as studies, relationships to friends and family and make you lose interest in finding a romantic partner in real life; it will also most likely push your behavior leading to stepping over the line both in what you show of yourself online and what you want others to show you,” Roos added. “Addiction to cyber sex is worse than a porn addiction, because the risk that you hurt yourself or others are bigger since you engage with other real people in real time, and it’s so easy to lose control and end up going way too far since you need to push the limits to feed the addiction.”
Counseling may help people who feel cyber sex is a problem for them.
Make sure activities are legal
It's also important to make sure any cybersex activities are lawful. In some locations, it is illegal to make unwelcome sexual advances or share unwanted sexually explicit content. It’s also illegal to engage in cyber sex with minors, including the sending and receiving sexually explicit pictures and videos, even with their consent. People can stay on the right side of the law by always gaining consent from cyber sex partners and ensuring they’re of legal age.
Synonyms: Internet sex, computer sex, netsex, cybering.
