Imagine you’re an actor who’s landed a lead role in a film. Now imagine that your upcoming scene involves stripping down to have smoldering sex before a camera crew, for content that will reach a global audience. Slightly intimidating? It sure could be. That’s one reason intimacy coordinators for television and film are important.
The experts who help create steamy sex scenes share their best advice.
While the professionals have long been utilized for live theater, the Harvey Weinstein scandal and MeToo movement fueled a worthy – and, many say, overdue – demand for similar support regarding on screen sex scenes. In 2020, the Screen Actors Guild and the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists (SAG-AFTRA), released their premiere industry standards and protocols for industry use of intimacy coordinators. As of April, 2024, over 100 certified intimacy coordinators regularly worked on film and TV sets, making way for greater safety and ease.
“Actors are at their most vulnerable during the filming of intimate scenes that involve kissing, simulated sex and/or nudity,” Erin Tillman, a certified intimacy coordinator, diversity, equity, inclusion (DEI) consultant and sex educator, told Kinkly. “As intimacy coordinators, we are there to be a part of both pre-filming conversations and during filming, on set, to help make the process of filming these scenes feel less uncomfortable for the performers.”
While intimacy coordinators don’t exist to teach people how to bolster their sex lives, we can all learn from their wisdom – particularly when they wear other hats in the sexuality field, too.
To start shifting to more pleasurable, fun or meaningful experiences, consider these top sex tips from intimacy coordinators.
Practice open honesty
Unrequited desires may make movie plots enticing, but they can wreak havoc in your sex life. When it comes to better sex, Tillman suggests being as honest as possible with yourself and intimate partners about your interests and curiosities.
“In our society, we are typically not taught or encouraged to explore our sexual interests in healthy ways,” she said. “If we can learn to be honest with ourselves about where our consensual interests and attractions lie, try not to judge or shame ourselves or others for them and share with others who share similar interests, we can truly then feel more free to share connection, intimacy, sensuality and sexuality with others who are in alignment with us.”
If starting conversations about what you’re into, or not into, sexually feels intimidating, certified intimacy coordinator and sexologist, Arielle Zadok, ABS, recommends choosing a time in which everyone’s feelings are neutral, and a location in which you don’t usually have sex. Then say something like, “I’d love to have a chat about sex with you. Is that something you’re up for right now?”
During the talk, keep things positive, pointing out things you’re curious about or enjoy, versus any complaints.
“Difficult conversations can often lead to defensiveness simply because they are uncomfortable and unfamiliar,” Zadok told Kinkly. “But if we lead with curiosity, patience and kindness, not only for yourself but for your partner and the relationship, we can get through them with grace and build stronger bonds, gain more confidence and, of course, have better sex.”
Keep a pleasure toolbox (with lube) handy
On set, Zadok always makes sure she has the right tools for the job, such as an ideal modesty garment to cover someone’s genitals during a sex scene. Similar prep can benefit off screen sex.
If you and a partner want to have more pleasurable PinV, penis in vagina sex, for example, Zadok suggests keeping lubricant handy.
“The truth about arousal fluid, aka wetness, is that many bodies don’t produce the amount that feels best so using lube doesn’t mean the person is not turned on, or that they’re ‘broken’ in any way,” she says. “Lube is a tool to make sex feel good! For most bodies, less friction means more pleasure.”
The same goes for anal sex, given that the anus doesn’t produce any lubrication.
Other accessories to consider for sex of most any kind include a sex blanket, for easy cleanup after ejaculation or period sex, sex toys like cock rings or vibrators, and kink accessories, like nipple clamps or blindfolds, that suit your interests.
Sharpen your clitoris knowledge
In 2017, “My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” became the first primetime TV series to mention the clitoris, thanks to writer Rachel Bloom. And there’s ample room for breaking similar taboos in real life.
While it’s starting to improve, plenty of adults still struggle to correctly identify the clitoris. In one survey, conducted by the UK’s YouGov in 2019, only 69 percent of men and 71 percent of women could point out the external clit on a diagram.
Given that the clitoris is the anatomical equivalent to the penis and extremely pleasure-centric, that’s a problem, and perhaps one reason behind the lingering orgasm gap, with significantly more straight, cisgender men climaxing than the women they sleep with.
Jean Franzblau, a certified intimacy coordinator and founder of Cuddle Sanctuary, considers knowing that the clitoris has erectile tissue similar to that of a penis, plus what it looks like, empowering.
“I recommend looking at pictures of the entire organ of the clitoris, which to me looks like a duck with wings bowing its head,” she said. “Picture where that organ is placed…and where it is in relation to the vagina.”
People of all sexes and genders can benefit from a better understanding of sexual anatomy, particularly in a world that’s still learning about the mighty clit.
As Franzblau noted, “It’s our right to have full awareness of this beautiful organ whose function is purely pleasure.”
Broaden your horizons with a yes, no, maybe list
If your sex has felt a bit… scripted, or “same old, same old,” it may be time to change things up on occasion. While there’s nothing wrong with your go-to, favorite positions and activities, a Journal of Sexual Medicine study published in March 2024 showed that a sense of novelty in the bedroom can reduce sexual boredom and increase low desire for monogamous couples.
If you’re unsure where to begin, Zadok recommends using a yes, no, maybe list. Available online and in various books and adult stores, the worksheets list activities, often within a particular theme. You and, if applicable, a partner or partners, mark each item as “yes” (totally interested), “no” (not currently interested) or “maybe” (you’d consider it). Then when it’s time to get busy, you implement an aligned “yes.” Or take time to learn about it first.
For kinky partnered play, for example, learn about BDSM activities you’d like to try through free online resources and forums, such as FetLife, said Zadok. Or seek out local dungeons that host munches, attend a workshop, or work with a professional, like a Dominant or sex coach.
Slow sex down
A range of factors impact the time it takes for bodies to become fully aroused. If you feel energized and have had sex on the brain, arousal is likely to come – pun embraced – easily. If you’re exhausted and stressed, on the other hand, getting turned-on will probably take longer. Emotional challenges, like anxiety, depression, and trauma, also commonly affect arousal time and sexual function. And don’t forget those harmful societal messages about sex.
According to Franzblau, pacing yourself during sex can help you work around the “sex-negative culture that’s subtly or overtly harmed us all.”
“Slow your roll to check in with yourself and your partner(s) to see if everyone’s still into what’s happening,” she added. “Be prepared to take a break if one person has gotten distracted or has feelings coming up. And release the need for an orgasm to be the goal.”
Meanwhile, she said, be grateful for the good moments and curious about any shifts toward not-as-good, because “there can be so much healing in that.”
Even when you’re raring and ready to go, slowing down can make okay sex extraordinary, according to Zadok, regardless of the instant turn-on often portrayed in TV series and films. That’s starting to change, she said, because slow buildup of arousal and eroticism are hot.
“It works on screen because we crave it in our lives,” she explained. “So go slow, embrace the senses, take your time [and] enjoy the tease. In our fast paced, digital world, the presence that taking your time can create is intoxicating.”
Never stop learning
Your sexuality can shift and evolve throughout your adult life, which experts agree should be met with compassion and curiosity. So just as TV and film stars need to keep their acting chops sharp, it may behoove you to stay on top of your sex knowledge with continual learning.
Attending sexy events, like workshops or play parties, for example, can add a “new, fun, playful dimension to an intimate connection or partnership,” said Tillman. You might even find an aligned partner in such a place, which, she noted, can help you relax and be yourself as you discover and explore.
Thanks to the digital age, you don’t even need to leave your house or make like a social butterfly you aren’t to keep the learning going.
“We are so fortunate to live in a time and place where resources are available to us,” said Zadok. “None of us were ever given proper sex and pleasure education…so seek out resources that will help you learn more about the things you might be into and how to do them safely.”
Most of all, she said, enjoy the journey.
