Read: Disability and Sexuality: Desiring, Not Fetishizing
2. Pillows Make Play Crippy & Comfortable
One of the other ways to ensure that sex is the most accessible when playing with a disabled partner is to have pillows EVERYWHERE. A lot of disabled and chronically ill people live with chronic pain and body stuff that makes positioning/staying in one position for a scene really difficult. This is frustrating for us as disabled folks because, trust me, we want to get on all fours for you and be flogged, but goddamnit that shit is murder on the knees. Pillows allow for many disabled to maintain certain positions longer, and what I like about them is they aren’t a super obvious disability device. That way, if your partner’s disability is less visible, or even if the partner doesn’t want to unpack their disability at the moment, they can just say, “Hey, lover, can you pass that pillow?”
3. Pain Meds
Sometimes a pillow just won’t cut it, and the chronic pain your cute crip partner is experiencing can be really intense, and distracting for them during that awesome deepthroating session they’re trying to give you. How can they be present and into it when they’re hurting? So, you may want to chat with your disabled/chronically ill lover around whether or not pain meds work for them. Being prepared in that way means that maybe you can stock up on Tylenol or Advil if that works for them. Having pain meds at the ready is also a big message to your disabled lover that you care about them, and want them to be comfy. Of course, have a conversation with them about meds, side effects, sex and consent before you buy anything.
Read: Fucktionality: Why Sexual Function Should Be Part of OT and PT for Disabled People
4. Massage
This is a big one for me as a disabled person. I love sensuous touch too, but I also really like being massaged to relax my muscles. Suggesting a sexy, pre-sex massage is a great way for you to learn about your disabled partner’s body. You can understand their pain points; what feels good and what doesn’t AND you can learn about any spasms or sensitivities they have. Most importantly, though, a massage allows for there to be intimacy without an expectation of sex. For me, I often feel like when I’m with someone I have to get right to it right away or my disability will scare them off. A massage can be a great way to allay those fears and still engage in sensuality.
5. Take Breaks
Another way to make sex accessible is to actively take breaks. I know, I know, we have been taught in our culture that taking breaks during sex means that your partner isn’t interested anymore, or that you did something wrong. But - for disabled and chronically ill folks - breaks are the perfect opportunity to regroup; grab some water, go pee, grab a snack, take your meds, and check in with your disabled body! Breaks are sexy!
Read: Adaptive Methods for Sex and Dating
This is certainly not an exhaustive list, but I do hope that this gives you some Kinkly Crip Tips to make your sex for you and your disabled partner’s playtime that much more accessible, sexy and fun!
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Written by
Andrew Gurza
Andrew Gurza is the Founder/Co-Director of Deliciously Disabled Consulting, where he strives to make disability accessible to everyone within pop culture and intersectional communities. His written work has been highlighted in Out Magazine, The Advocate, Huffington Post and The Good Men Project, where he candidly discusses the realities of sex and disability as a Queer Cripple. He is also host of the “Deliciously Disabled” podcast on iTunes where he makes sex and disability accessible to...
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