“But, We’re All Nonmonogamous!”
Something we need to remember is that “nonmonogamous” is not, in and of itself, a type of relationship. It's an umbrella term under which a whole lot of identifications fall. Thus, deciding to date someone on the premise that you are both interested in being nonmonogamous is a dicey proposition unless you know exactly what that means for each of you. What if you want to date other people and they want to swing? What if they think random hookups are OK and your ideal life involves multiple long-term partners? What if you envision a “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy and they expect open and honest sharing between all partners involved in the situation at all times? Not knowing these things in advance can lead to misunderstanding, anger and hurt feelings very, very, quickly.
Learning Your Language
So, what is one to do? Well, the first step (like with almost everything else) is to be honest with yourself. What do you want from your nonmonogamous relationships? Dig a little deeper and picture the life you’d like to have. Do you want multiple partners who are committed to each other? Multiple partners who are each committed to you? One partner and the ability to date? One partner and sex with other people at parties? No partner and lots of people you see? Any combination of any of those things or something completely different? You need to examine your jealous tendencies. Are you someone who can feel completely compersive while your partner engages intimately with others or do you need structured boundaries to keep your jealousy in check? It's not fair to bring someone into a relationship without making your expectations clear. (Check out When Your Partner Sleeps With Someone Else - And It Makes You Happy for more on nonmonogamy and compersion - the opposite of jealousy).
