I'm hardly what anyone could call a private person. However, more often than not stepping out from behind the curtain isn’t usually necessary for what I happen to be writing about.
However, for this article it’s not just a good idea, but essential, to walk onto the stage and say that I am totally, completely, and (most importantly!) beautifully the property of a truly amazing Owner.
Unlike many others in the BDSM scene, this wasn’t--at least, consciously--a fantasy, let alone one that I ever dreamed of being a 24/7 reality.
However, when it did happen it wasn’t just entering into an erotic playground of domination and submission; it was entering into a way of being that was unequivocally right for me.
So much so that I cannot even imagine not belonging to Her; to being Her joyous property.This is the life that I was created for: to live solely for Her pleasure and happiness.
This is said not to illicit respect, or heaven forbid, sympathy, but to put this article into context: that while being a full-time slave can be a common dream--one personally I have written many stories about--there are often huge differences between what is dreamed of and what is the actual reality of being a full-time slave.
There are some truths in this myth, though they may not be in the way you might expect, as there actually are fundamentally right ways to start a full-time D/s relationship.
The myth lies in believing that there is a way to forge a 24/7 BDSM relationship that results in a kinky utopia, where there are never any problems and everyone is happy all the time.
The first truth, meanwhile, is that everyone involved should accept the three universal precepts of any kind of BDSM relationship: that it is done with emotional and physical safety, a clear mind (i.e. sanely), and that all parties consent to every part of the dynamic.
Read: How to Ensure Consent in High-Emotion BDSM Scenes
The second truth is that everyone should have their needs met as much as possible. In short, owner and property should be satisfied with the relationship.
In the end, being in a 24/7 D/s relationship is not about striving towards some imagined perfection, but rather accepting that it will always be a work-in-progress.
A key part of this is accepting that there will be good days and there will be bad days, and even times when the whole relationship might have to be suspended or renegotiated.
Fantasies can be a powerful driving force in your sex life—and can be a huge motivator in allowing you to seize control of your own pleasure and lead you on all kinds of erotic adventures—when you move to make them a reality never forget that the people involved are just that, and not characters in your erotic daydreams.
Read: What It Means If You Fantasize During Sex
If things aren't living up to your expectations then pull back and try to see—and most of all appreciate—how things are, instead of how they aren't measuring up to your kinky imagination.
A contract between owner and property is a great idea as it can put in writing the responsibilities, needs, desires, and limitations of all those concerned.
That being said, it should be treated as a living document and not one that can never be adjusted or totally rewritten as things change in life as well as in the dynamic.
Here communication is absolutely mandatory: as much as possible there should be no barriers to speaking personal truth.
Read: BDSM 101 Tutorial - The Importance of Communication
If anything, there should be positive reinforcement for sharing fears or concerns--as well as sharing feelings of happiness and pleasure when things are going well.
A layered series of safewords is a great way of doing this, such as “red” meaning the temporary cessation of the relationship, “yellow” for a pulling back from whatever is occurring, but not stepping out of the dynamic, and “green” as a way of saying that reassurance or TLC is required.
Another way to do this is to have non-dynamic communication on a regular basis, like daily or weekly check-ins outside of roles.
A key part of understanding the importance of an on-going contract is a foundation of trust: fearing that calling limits or wanting to change the agreement will result in abandonment or acting out can seriously undermine communication.
In short, no one should fear wanting to change how things are--or asking for what they need--even if it means changing the entire contract.
Read: How to Train a Submissive With Hand Signals
Fantasy, again, says that owners have to be never-failing, always in control, and property should live solely to please them. The reality is, for most people, there’s this thing called life. Family, work, the world at large, emotional needs and challenges … they all can affect the dynamic.
Having the delusion that these things won't effect your D/s dynamic will only lead to frustration and disappointment. Flexibility, yet again, is something that should be seen as a strength, not a weakness.
Ideally, this should actually be built into the relationship: that it is expected that things can, and will, change and that those involved may experience moments when they need to either step away from the dynamic or change its nature to deal with outside situations.
At the risk of repeating yet again, while there is an owner and property, they are both human beings, and as such they have their wonderful, beautiful dimensions that should be celebrated and never seen as flaws.
Read: 11 Things That Really Happen in D/s Relationships
For many coming into BDSM, being a full-time master/mistress of a slave 24/7 is seen as the ultimate goal: the gold ring that every dominant and submissive should strive for.
The reality is that it isn’t for everyone--and there is absolutely nothing wrong in that. Rather, think of being 24/7 as a flavor of BDSM: some groove on chocolate, others on strawberry … and others still like their vanilla.
It can also be common for those who are 24/7 to be seen as somehow having reached this pinnacle of kink, who are role models for the way it should be done.
The problem with this is that what is rarely seen are the months, and sometimes years, of work that has gone into reaching this state, and even then how many more times there are changes and renegotiations.
Then there’s the reality that for others being in a full-time BDSM relationship will remain a fantasy. But, as I said above, this never makes them any less a member of the kink community--as we will discuss below.
Read: How to Ask Your Partner to Be Your Dominant
As you may have guessed, this is simply not true. You simply may not be emotionally or physically prepared for being in a 24/7 BDSM relationship, despite how much you might desire it.
If you fully understand what might be involved, then find the right person, or persons, and take slow, measured steps to begin with.
Beginning with accepting that everything should be done safely, sanely, and consensually, then setting up those lines of communication, and only then move to the agreement between those involved.
The details of which might involve everything from punishments and rewards, sexual services and/or limitations, protocols for speech and behavior, diet and exercise, documentation of income and expenses, household tasks, emotional needs and desires … whatever pleases the owner and respects the property.
Read: 6 Orders for a Submissive That Have Nothing to Do With Sex
Being in a full time BDSM relationship can be a lot of work and months, or even years, of on-going fine tuning--and it may not even even work out. However, accepting all this, should you try?
Certainly! As with everything in life, you often don’t know what you can do, or what you might enjoy, until you give it a shot.
Read: A Day in the Life of a 24/7 Submissive
Fully acknowledging that personal journeys are just that, and not a measure against anyone else’s possible experiences, being owned is not so much the best thing that ever happened to me, but that Her happiness and pleasure has--and will always--blessed me with joyous purpose … and endless gratitude.
