Informed consent is an agreement to participate in something with a thorough understanding of the activity, including its benefits and risks. People should give informed consent before undertaking many things, including engaging in intimate acts. Informed consent is crucial for all intimate acts, including kissing, sending and sharing nude images, and having sex.
Consent vs. informed consent
Ally Iseman, a certified consent and communication specialist who founded Passport 2 Pleasure, told Kinkly:
“The difference between consent and informed consent, is including more detail and making sure both/all parties involved understand each other clearly - meaning the terms used are understood in the same way. Terms like ‘sex’ don't mean the same thing to everyone, so be clear about exactly what you mean and be equally open to any response.”
Benefits of informed consent
Informed consent can minimize risks associated with sex and help keep all participants safe. It helps people learn whether they are on the same page sexually as their partners. It reduces the chance that someone will violate their partner, which occurs when someone performs sexual acts on someone who doesn’t consent.
“Consent enables autonomy and is how we mitigate risk both for ourselves and each other,” Iseman explained. “There is no such thing as 'safe sex' but informed consent is one of the tools we use to make it 'safer.'”
For this reason, informed consent is especially important for riskier sexual activities, such as scenes in BDSM. Giving and receiving informed consent ensures these activities don’t become abusive or cause real mental or physical harm.
Giving and receiving informed consent before sex helps people show their respect for their intimate partners. Discussions surrounding consent also give people an opportunity to learn about their partner’s boundaries and show they respect them.
How to give informed consent and say no
Verbal confirmation that specific sexual acts are OK is the easiest way to give informed consent. For example, someone might say “Yes” or “I’d like that” if a partner asks about engaging in a named sex act. Some people may prefer showing their consent physically, such as through kissing or drawing their partner closer.
If someone is unclear about any acts, they should ask questions to become informed before agreeing or declining to participate. If someone says “no” or “maybe” or uses other phrases to suggest uncertainty, such as “I’m not sure,” they are not giving consent.
Conversations surrounding informed consent can be sexy, as Iseman explained.
“What's sexier than knowing that the person or people you're sexually engaging with are as 100% into it as you are?! That's the freedom and confidence that practicing informed consent gives us. And there's nothing sexier than confidence,” she said. “Using a simple and nostalgic system like the '4 bases' can make it less intimidating and alleviate undue pressure. The key with that is making sure you each understand the bases to mean the same specific thing(s) before assuming you're on the same page, or the same base. This doesn't have to be heavy; it can be playful. If you feel awkward or nervous, lean into that, acknowledge it - vulnerability is attractive and connective.”
Some people can feel uncomfortable declining a partner’s advances, especially if they’re not practiced at it. While they may not say “no”, their body language may show their unwillingness. Monitoring a partner can help someone pick up on signs of discomfort, such as physically moving away or refusing to make eye contact. Physiological responses, such as erections and vaginal lubrication, are involuntary so they’re not reliable signs of consent. Anyone unsure if their partner’s consenting should ask them directly.
Iseman stressed that “Consent is not a tool we use to get what we want; it's a tool we use to take care of each other. It's an ongoing conversation between all parties involved and can be given and rescinded at any time. It may seem subtle, but sharing what you're interested in and then asking them how they feel about it or what they might be open to, is different than telling someone what you want and asking if they want that too.”
As informed consent should be an ongoing process, people must remember that if an intimate partner consents to one sexual activity, it doesn’t mean they’ll consent to another. And just because they consent to a sexual activity today, it doesn’t mean they’ll give their consent to the same activity tomorrow.
Withdrawing consent
Consent can also be withdrawn at any time and for any reason. Feeling uncomfortable or disconnected are common reasons for withdrawing consent.
Understanding that consent can be withdrawn at any time is key for some successful role-playing scenarios and sexual arrangements. Some of these activities, such as rape fantasy play, forced orgasm, and consensual non-consent, involve a submissive person giving up control to a dominant partner. While the submissive may not explicitly give consent at the start of every play scene, they engage in negotiations and consent discussions prior to play, and there is an understanding that they can stop play at any time they want by withdrawing their consent.
What if a partner doesn’t give informed consent or withdraws it?
If someone doesn’t give informed consent or withdraws their consent, their partner should respect their decision and boundaries.
“Not giving consent or rescinding consent does not necessarily mean anything is wrong, it just means there's been a shift that needs to be acknowledged and addressed,” Iseman said. “This is nothing to take personally, this song is not about you. If someone does not give you informed consent, you fully receive and honor that as their response. You do not ask again. You do not ask in a different way. You do not try to pressure or coerce them to change their minds in any way. You receive any version of a no, or really anything that isn't a direct and clear yes, with, ‘Thank you for taking care of yourself.’”
She added that refusing or withdrawing consent can also present an opportunity for intimate partners to grow together.
“When others take care of themselves by honoring their boundaries, they also take care of us by collaborating with us on preventing an unnecessary and potentially unpleasant scenario, or worse. If consent is withdrawn, the same ‘thank you’ applies, and you can ask if anything else needs to change in this moment, ie: do they need to disengage completely or just pause, would they like some space, or do they need to share anything. If this is a recurring partner, it can be helpful after some time has passed, to reflect on what happened together to see if anything can be learned moving forward.”
Can everyone give informed consent?
If people are unclear or ill-informed about the sexual acts they’re agreeing to, they can’t give informed consent. If their partner lies to them or withholds facts that might change their mind about the acts they’re agreeing to, they don’t have the right information to give informed consent.
Only people who've reached the age of consent in their state can give informed consent. The average age of consent in the United States is 16, although it varies from state to state. Anyone who has sex with someone under the age of consent can be charged with statutory rape, even if the young person agreed to sex. This law helps protect young people who may be too inexperienced to make an informed decision.
People also can’t give informed consent if they have impairments that impact their ability to understand what they’re consenting to. People with disabilities and people under the influence of drugs or alcohol fall under this category. And of course, people can’t give informed consent if they’re asleep or unconscious.
People can only give consent if they don't feel pressured. Someone might feel pressured if an intimate partner threatens them or their loved ones. They may also feel pressure if they're worried about negative consequences if they say no. For this reason, people can’t give consent to a partner in a position of power, such as a professor. A student could assume they might get graded harshly if they don’t give consent. This fear would impact their ability to freely give consent.
