Like many days, I'm discussing porn with a gay friend.
"Gay porn seems like it's easier to make. By a mile. How do straight people ever get the angles right?" he says. "Getting the gaze right for straight porn so that it's universally consumable the same way....yikes."
I laugh. "I know what you're talking about. My ex had an aversion to ball sacks. If one crept into the frame, it was like a high-voltage line right down the middle of a postcard."
"Oh dear," my friend says. "How did he manage that? I mean... they're attached to men. You're going to see one every once in a while."
"Simple," I say. "He stuck to lesbian porn."
"Well, that's handy," my friend says. "Nice for you, too, I imagine. Since you prefer women."
"You would think so, wouldn't you? But it was 'lesbian' porn." I draw out the air quotes dramatically. "The women really weren't into each other. You could tell they were straight and clocking in for work. So I couldn't really get into it." I pause, then add, "My ex wasn't the only one who struggled with straight porn."
"Oh?"
"I've had so many straight female friends who couldn't bear to look at naked women in porn. The large fake breasts disturbed them. And made them feel insecure about their bodies."
"Straight people are so complicated," my friend says.
"They can be. It's like anybody else. One thing that really irks me is how bad most threesome porn is," I say. "It makes me concerned about the quality of threesomes people end up having. I'm not saying people should be taking pointers from porn..."
"But they do!" My friend laughs. "I have horror stories. And scars to match."
Read: The Right - and Wrong - Way to Have a Threesome
"It's fiendishly difficult finding a good MFF threesome video. There are so many bad ones. When they're good, they're great. But all the actors have to be into it, or it's super horrible. And that's rare."
"More 'lesbian' clockwatchers?"
"'When's my lunch break?'"
He laughs. "Clockwatchers, cockwatchers."
"Well, that's the other thing," I say. "It's also not great when it's 100% centered on the guy and the girls look bored while waiting their turn to interact with him. If you can crop an actress from the neck up and copy paste it onto someone waiting for the bus, there's a problem."
"They can't all be that bad," he says.
"9 out of 10," I say. "I'm always reading these articles online. 'I Tried a Threesome, and It Was Terrible.' And every time, I suspect poor instructional material."
"And straightness," my friend adds.
"Although... no one seems to have a hard time getting motivated in MMF, straight or not."
"Right? Everyone seems to be having fun in the MMF videos," I say. "Pretty consistently."
"And how does that square with reality?"he asks.
"I have no idea. MMF is the chupacabra," I say. "People keep telling me it exists, but I can't find it."
"Oh... you've never done it? Didn't you have three boyfriends at the same time?"
"I did. And it's not like I haven't tried. None of the boys I've been with were game. I even had a couple of bisexual boyfriends once, but they weren't into each other. Or active sharing," I say.
"Active sharing?" he asks.
"Well, it's one thing to know your partner has other partners and be OK with it in theory. It takes a whole other level of comfort to see it and participate."
"This is so much more complicated than gay threesomes," my friend says.
"Oh?" I say.
"In my experience, gay threesomes only require two things:
But if one dude isn't into one of the others? It doesn't ruin it too much," he says.
"So the chemistry's not really that fussy," I say.
"Not at all," he says.
"Part of the appeal for me for threesomes is that you really get lost in the experience. One-on-one sex can be fantastic. But it's more like a single melodic line. Add in another person, and there's a counter melody. Harmonies," I say.
"And orgies are practically orchestral."
"Exactly," I say. "You can really get swept away by the music. But only if you let down your guard. It's not the same if you're on red alert, making sure your hands only touch the 'right' parts. So you don't relax and accidentally touch someone's boob or cock or whatever body part is your Kryptonite."
"That sounds like a lot of work," he says.
"Right?"
"I bet you're glad you're bisexual," he says.
"Sometimes. Although gay threesomes sound pretty great. They're low maintenance. Resilient, even."
He laughs.
"Gay threesomes give me hope."
