Subspace: What it is and How to Manage it During Kinky Play

Outside of light bondage, impact play, and roleplaying, many aspects of BDSM play remain mysterious to those new to or uninvolved in the community. One of these aspects is subspace. With so many misconceptions out there, it's no wonder people have so many questions like: What is subspace? Is it real? What does subdropping feel like? 

We went to the experts and submissives themselves to get accurate answers to all these questions. Here's what they said.

What is Subspace?

Subspace is a trance-like state that submissives may experience during or after a BDSM scene. While some describe it as a feeling of euphoria and/or a type of pleasure-induced dream state, others view it as an out-of-body spiritual experience and the primary goal of a BDSM scene. 

Why Does It Happen? 

Engaging in a BDSM scene with a submissive is entirely different from regular sex. Regardless of the type of play you engage in, your emotions will be heightened, you will feel more vulnerable, and your intimacy and passion with your partner will be intensified. 

Read More: Consent in BDSM: Navigating Heightened Emotion

Moushumi Ghose, LMFT and Licensed Sex Therapist, shared her expertise on subspace and explained that subspace happens because of “endorphins and adrenaline."

She pointed out that “our body's natural response to something that is highly shocking to the body's natural homeostatic system, the body essentially goes into fight or flight and releases all of these chemicals."

“Subspace is a pretty complex consciousness state,” says Rose Rivera, MMED Family and Sexuality Studies and Founder of Submissive Academy. "I think on a physical level, it is a very potent cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters that get triggered."

What Does Subspace Feel Like? 

The experience of subspace is unique to each person, but a 2017 study of people's experiences of subspace indicates that most people feel a sense of escape from your self-awareness, thoughts, and processing emotions due to stress relief. 

Subspace has also been described as a type of spectrum where you can feel free at first, and as you drift deeper into subspace, your senses are heightened, and your pain tolerance is greater. 

Many find that subspace is also different each time it happens. On some days, you might feel at complete peace with no need to think or stress about anything, while at other times, you might feel a rush of happiness and bliss. 

“I describe it as a feeling of euphoria and disassociation,” says Sarah, a submissive. “I tend to get quieter, even when I am reacting to impact play or other activities that elicit pain. I get the feeling that I am very accepting of what my Dom or Top is doing to me. It's basically a high level of submission, from a mental standpoint."

Jason, a dominant, recounted the experience of his own submissive, saying, “On the low-end subspace is a freeing of her mind to be who she wants to be in the scene. She can be a brat, a cum slut, and so much more, but she's free in her mind. The words and actions flow freely; she doesn't question herself or worry about coming off as weird."

He goes on to say that during the high-end of the subspace spectrum, his submissive is in a “between place” where “she's there, but barely. Her pain tolerance shoots up, and she's just purely in the moment and feeling things. She's only gotten there truly once, and it was when we really pushed her pain tolerances. She usually ends up somewhere between these extremes in our sessions. Present, but not overthinking. Her senses are enhanced, but her tolerance also shoots up. It's just a sort of 'enhanced' version of sex."

Rivera adds that subspace is "akin to when people have a blissful meditative practice, one that feels like you open up to the universe... Subspace, as we call it, is really the same thing as what we find in religious ecstasy moments or in enlightenment meditative moments”.

Subspace vs. Subdrop 

While subspace will give you an intense feeling of euphoria, you might experience a short period of sadness, dread, and mild depression.

This is called subdrop, a distressing emotional experience that some feel after intense BDSM scenes. Subdrop is different for every submissive, with some feeling the emotional low a few hours after a scene while others will experience it a few days or weeks after. During subdrop, you can expect to feel mood swings, be emotional and vulnerable, be physically exhausted, and need reassurance from your partner. Aftercare is vital in managing subdrop. 

“The aftercare may be done by the dominant themselves and can include such things as cuddling, caressing, water, talking, food, and bath. Aftercare may also involve other people, such as another partner of the submissive stepping in to care if the Dominant happens to be a paid Domme and or partners are in polyamorous or open relationships. Enlisting a community to help out with subspace can be extremely beneficial as subspace can last anywhere from one hour to several days, even a week or more after the event," says Ghose. 

Read More: 5 Tips For Practicing Intentional Aftercare

Entering Subspace: How It Happens and Cues

So, now that we know some of the basics about subspace, let's talk about getting into subspace, how it happens, and cues that your partner is in subspace.

How it happens

Entering subspace can depend on many factors, such as the type of BDSM scene, sounds, sense of touch and smell, and directions from the dominant in the scene. In some cases, there are specific actions, instructions, or words that your dominant enact during foreplay to initiate subspace. 

At the end of the day, subspace will be triggered by the scene's intensity, which completely relative to the people in the scene. For some, this can include impact play and orgasm control, while find more sensual acts like sensory deprivation and bondage extremely intense. Any BDSM scene can trigger subspace, depending on how the submissive feels about the scene.

Cues

Just as subspace feels different to each person, each person's cues that they're entering subspace will look different. Some common clues include:

• Prolonged silence
• Short or one-word responses or responding only with sounds
• Distinct changes in the tone of voice
• Red skin, as if they're blushing or flustered
• Changes to their breathing
• Glassy or glazed-over eyes
• Changes in the way they're moving, maybe jerking movements

Consent

Subspace is when you’d feel most free. However, it is also a time when you’re the most vulnerable. This is where the need to establish non-verbal communication and have absolute trust in your dominant comes in.

“I cannot stress enough how important it is to talk about what the play scene is going to be like and make plans for pre-and post-kink and BDSM play," says Ghose.

She went on to emphasize the importance of safe words because “because in BDSM things can escalate to a place that is uncomfortable for someone and establishing what those safe words are and boundaries are a must for establishing a trusting environment. These components are key to making these scenes beneficial as well as even healing. When the submissive feels safe in a place, the outcome can be extremely transformative. What steps need to be taken slowly and mindfully before diving in."

Benefits of Subspace 

There are many positive outcomes of subspace. Of course, the rush of endorphins, leaving you with a high and general sense of stress relief, is a big benefit. But there are other advantages as well. 

As Ghose points out, “Subspace can create a euphoric, blissful, ecstatic experience which can be transcendental and transformative for the person engaged; it can also be an extremely bonding experience between the submissive and dominant”. 

As with any BDSM scene, there's a certain level of trust, consent, and intimacy you share with your partner. However, experiencing subspace with your partner is the ultimate show of trust. The submissive partner is extremely vulnerable and the dominant must use their control extra carefully, respecting boundaries and consent. This intense level of power exchange and the trust it requires can deepen your relationship and connection with your partner in amazing ways. 

As Rivera points out, “when you are deeply in subspace, you have let down all of your barriers, like all of your psychological and emotional walls have actually dropped, which is one of the reasons why it feels so incredibly good to be in that state”.

She goes on to say that “it could be used to take the sub into even deeper states of trust with the dominant and that can be done through verbal, just at that point, talking to them. It could be done through physical sensation.”

A common misconception is that an interest in BDSM is linked to past trauma. However, several studies have indicated that being active within BDSM is seen as a form of stress relief, therapy and healing, a spiritual journey, meditative activity and self-medication for mood-related mental health illnesses. 

Subspace is one of the rare times where your mind is free from any burdens and inhibitions. Essentially, it’s a time where you won’t have any worries or anxiety about life. So, experiencing subspace can potentially be a form of catharsis, allowing you to work through emotional blocks or even mild trauma. Several studies have indicated that being active within BDSM is seen as a form of stress relief, therapy and healing, a spiritual journey, meditative activity and self-medication for mood-related mental health illnesses. 

However, as with any case of trauma, please seek professional guidance from a psychologist or psychiatrist for your healing journey, and please do not use BDSM or kink as your sole method of healing from trauma. 

Managing Subdrop 

After the high that comes from subspace, subdrop can feel like a type of disconnection where your body is out of balance and needs support and care from your partner. Luckily, there are several techniques you can use to manage subdrop. 

As we have already mentioned, aftercare is crucial to assisting your partner through subdrop. However, open communication is even more important. Clearly, communicating with your submissive is an easy but effective way of showing that you are there to support them. 

“It’s important to have some way to communicate with your partner well after the scene ends,” says Angela, a submissive. She reiterates that “open communication about your feelings regarding the scene and your experience problems subspace can help a lot.”

Here are a few simple tips that you can use during aftercare:

• Provide your submissive with a few physical comforts, such as wrapping them in a blanket, drawing them a bath or having them drink an electrolyte solution 
• Take some time for cuddling. Your physical presence and touch alone will be able to give your submissive all the comforts and care that they need. 
• Initiate a few grounding and calming activities, such as reading a book, watching a TV show, and drawing. 

The Bottom Line 

Subspace is one of the many complex and fascinating aspects of a BDSM scene. It is a physical and emotional unburdening experience for the submissive partner. Post-scene, the submissive partner needs your care more than ever to ease them through subspace-land and subdrop. 

Similar to all other facets of BDSM, communication, patience and attentiveness are key in guiding your partner when they slip into subspace.