In Defense of Couch Coitus: JD Vance and Furniture Kinks

Did anyone have “Republican VP pick has a rumor about him having sex with a couch that is in the news longer than an assassination attempt on a former President” on their 2024 Bingo card?

I sure as hell didn’t. 

As far as we know, the rumor about JD Vance's alleged furniture kinks isn’t true. The now-deleted tweet that kicked everything off is easily disproved, and there’s no real way to verify that JD Vance has or has not, at least once, made love to a loveseat. That hasn’t stopped everyone, including Democratic VP candidate Tim Walz, from having fun with the idea. 

This story got me thinking, though. There must be people out there who have actual furniture kinks or have gotten curious about a sexy sectional. And they probably don’t like being compared to Vance.

Here at Kinkly, we don't yuck anybody's yums. So, in defense of our spicy sofa-loving friends, let’s take a look at the world of furniture kinks.

Take a seat as we explain the backstory

For those of you who have no idea what I’m even talking about, I envy you.

Here’s a quick rundown of the saga of 2024 Vice Presidential hopeful JD Vance and his supposed couch sex. 

On July 15th, X user @rickrudescalves posted that Vance’s 2016 “memoir” Hillbilly Elegy contains a passage that describes Vance’s stand-in character stuffing a lubed-up latex glove between two couch cushions and having his way with it. The post has been deleted, and a quick search shows that no such event is even in the book. 

Millions of memes, late-night tv jokes, and articles surround this rumor. Even though we all know the scene isn’t in the book and there is no way to prove Vance ever did that, the internet has collectively agreed to keep posting about it as if it is fact.

Why would people perpetuate such an easily dismissible rumor? For one, the Republican party has had no problem making up nonsense that can cause real harm, such as causing panic about Queer folks and teachers being child molesters or spreading misinformation during a deadly pandemic. 

Vance’s is no exception to this.

The rumor that he had sex with a couch is harmless. No one is going to die or get fired over it. There aren’t whole 4Chan boards saying that someone needs to stop the elites from bringing in furniture from Mexico and that we need to preserve our white upholstery. 

Basically, everyone is continuing this false rumor because it’s funny and Vance sucks. 

Let's be real, furniture masturbation is pretty common

There are plenty of people out there who've used a couch or other furniture to masturbate at least once in their lives. I know I have.

If you grew up with a penis, you’ve probably done it, too. Be honest with yourself and think about that time in your life when you were just learning about masturbation and you had the house to yourself. What didn’t you hump? Pillows, cushions, that one weird spot in the wall where the hot water pipes vibrate. People with vulvas aren’t off the hook here either. How many of you had your first orgasm grinding against a pillow?

If we are being real with ourselves, using inanimate objects during masturbation is almost a right of passage. We all have an insane story in our minds a household item and our hormones that makes us cringe, or maybe helped us discover a kink later in life. 

Even as adults, it’s not uncommon for a dude to put his Fleshlight between two cushions to support humping. That doesn’t make you a seat-slut, but one could argue you banged your couch. 

But, most of us who've humped a cushion or two don't actually have a furniture kink. The couch, pillow, cushion, or whatever didn't turn us on. It just happened to be there when we were already horny and ready to get off. But what about people whose thrill is actually the couch?

Objectum Sexuality

Objectum Sexuality is a type of kink or paraphilia where people are romantically or sexually attracted to inanimate objects. This could be anything from a hand towel, to a car, even to monuments. And yes, furniture as well.

In some cases, the attraction and romantic attachment is so strong, that the person believes the object also has feelings for them. People even marry the literal object of their affection.

There very well could be a lot of people out there who are turned on by a cozy and curvaceous couch and enjoy it regularly, but we’ll never hear about it because a) it’s none of our business and b) “Man Has Sex With Couch, Finally Finds Remote” isn’t much of a headline. 

Objectum Sexuality isn’t a very well-known fetish, though it's gaining popularity in Japan. Japanese folks in love with anime-themed objects have petitioned the Japanese government to recognize marriages between humans and inanimate objects.

In the larger world, Objectum Sexuality is still so under the radar that googling “furniture fetish” didn’t even show it in the results. 

What did show up is probably Vance’s favorite store.

Once I added “sexual” to the search bar, I learned about the world of Human Furniture. 

Human Furniture

Human Furniture is when a human being acts like a table, chair, or another piece of household furniture. Human Furniture can be non-sexual, like when it is used for art or events, like in one of those schlocky action movies where the rich villain is hosting a party with nude models acting as coat racks. 

When it comes to sexual Human Furniture, you’ll find it more in the BDSM community. This is usually done as a form of humiliation and dominance, where the sub is stripped of all personality and agency to do nothing but get on all fours and let Mistress put her feet up.

While this might conjure visions of vacuum-suited, ball-gagged ashtray that only responds to the name “Worm,” the Human Furniture fetish is quite adaptable. 

When a kinky Redditor asked for Human Furniture advice on the r/BDSMcommunity subreddit, user Epithymetheus suggested these ideas:

“There's plenty of activities that you can adjust to involve this kink. On your end, a lot of the comments are already suggesting stimulus-and-punishment type ideas, and these are especially fun if your D-type is doing something quiet like reading a book. Don't spill, don't make noise, yknow?

On the other hand... what if the activity were a group activity? Maybe this is your newest addition to Movie Night, and you're watching as your D-type's ottoman. Maybe this is over dinner, and the D-type is at the table and the s-type has a plate on the floor--or until they're fed directly. Or perhaps it's just over the duration of a phone call.”

If you and your partner(s) are looking for a new way to explore Dom/Sub activities, Human Furniture looks like a great option. It’s simple enough for anyone to do and can be enjoyed in a ton of different ways.

You could go all out with Bondage gear and barked orders or simply turn into a chez lounge and enjoy a quiet night with your partner resting on you. 

Hell, if you want to get real weird with it one of you could roleplay as a couch while your partner, stressed from his campaign, sees people online saying he “f*cked a couch” and that is just the last straw. As he fumbles with his belt buckle, he angrily mutters under his breath “I don’t f*ck couches, I make love to them…”

More Cushion = More Pushin’

The question of whether or not JD Vance ever had sex with a couch is better left to the philosophers. It may not have been in his book, but that is neither here nor there. What does matter is there are plenty of good, decent people out there who either enjoy couch coitus or fantasize about being a sultry sofa themselves. 

There’s no need to insult people into Objectum Sexuality, Human Furniture, or just love humping their couch by comparing them to JD Vance.