All too often, I hear men complaining that women and femme-identifying folks are "complicated" and "don’t know what they want." While this may be true when it comes to certain aspects of our mysterious inner worlds, I can tell you that when it comes to sex, women do, in fact know, exactly what we want.
In this Guest Post, Intimacy Expert Magda Kay reveals how women really want men to treat them in the bedroom.
Allow me to demystify what we are seeking in the bedroom, and relay some of the things we wish men knew.
Foreplay is SEX! Or at least, it's just as important.
For men, there might be a difference between foreplay and sex, but this is not the case for many women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB). Most of us need to be truly warmed up to fully enjoy sex. In fact, any sexual interaction which relaxes our nervous system and gets us turned on can be considered foreplay.
Most women and people AFAB can only experience pleasure once they're fully relaxed, and this can take some time as most of us don’t have an "on switch" the way men and people assigned male at birth (AMAB) do.
We wish men understood that to turn us on, you just need to take your time. When it comes to foreplay, don’t go straight for our genitals, or even our breasts. Take some time to gently touch your lover’s body, kiss her gently, tease her, even whisper sweet nothings in her ear.
Trust me, taking just 15 minutes to gently touch and play with her body before stimulating any of the erogenous zones will help a woman experience much deeper levels of pleasure.
It’s not all about the orgasm
Sure, orgasms are great, but we wish that men knew that when it comes to sex, orgasm shouldn’t always be the goal. For us women and AFAB folks, there is so much more to sex than just the climax. Women can have great sex without any orgasm at all, and on the other hand, sometimes we can orgasm when the sex was not all that great.
For us, "good sex" is not determined by whether we climax. Good sex involves depth, intimacy and connection, so if you want to blow us away, focus on those elements.
Take the pressure off!
Speaking of orgasms, we wish there was less pressure on us to climax in the bedroom. Women are complex beings, and it is completely normal for us to not have an orgasm every time we have sex!
Women wish men knew that if we don’t have an orgasm, it does not mean you "failed" or that we didn’t have a good time. Asking a woman questions like “did you come?” can put her under pressure, and this may even cause her to lie to you to protect your feelings.
It can feel extremely vulnerable or even embarrassing for a woman to admit she did not have an orgasm. This unnecessary pressure in the bedroom may even lead to the vicious cycle of a woman "faking it" and in turn her partner not understanding what really turns her on or how to pleasure her.
To avoid your partner shutting down or feeling pressure, ask open questions such as: “How did you like it?” or “What was your favourite part?” or “Is there anything you’d like more of next time?” These questions will keep the dialogue safe and positive and help your partner feel comfortable to share openly with you.
Slow down
There is nothing wrong with a quickie or some fast, intense and maybe even rough sex. However, if you get carried away with rapid thrusting, you may be completely skipping over your lover’s pleasure.
One of the complaints I hear too often from women is that they feel their male partners are not present with them during sex. The remedy to this is simple: slow everything down.
To use a visual aid, think of sitting on a train. If you look out of the window when the train is moving very fast, it’s difficult to focus on anything clearly, everything is blurred. Once the train slows down you will notice every detail outside the window.
Treat your lover in the same way, slow down, be present, let her really feel you, deeply (in every sense!). Take pauses, check in with her, notice how her body reacts to your touch and how she feels in each moment.
By slowing down and practising presence with your lover, you will begin to build deep intimacy. This intimacy can then be shared even in times when you do decide to ramp up the tempo for some quick and intense sex!
Aftercare
The final thing that women wish men understood about sex, is that aftercare is just as important as foreplay!
Yet another aspect of sex which is so different for men and women is how we are aroused. For many women and AFAB people, arousal is like the element of water – it takes time to warm up, and then it also takes time to cool down afterwards. For many men and AMAB people, arousal is like the element of fire – it burns up in flames quickly and then dies off just as fast.
Unfortunately, this difference can sometimes lead to misalignment in the bedroom. If you’re a man, you may have never considered aftercare, but it is an integral part of sex for many women.
The sex may have been mind-blowing, but if you just roll over afterwards and fall asleep, your lover may feel rejected, and it could even ruin the whole experience for her.
Sex doesn’t just stop at climax for us, so make sure you embrace your lover, talk to her, and caress her. I understand some men get sleepy after sex, so if you really can’t stay awake, at least hold your lover close to you so she feels connected with you as you drift off to sleep.
The ending makes all the difference for us, and even the best sex can be bad if we’re not given the right aftercare.
Put these tips into practice!
I hope that now you feel a little more in the know about what women truly desire in the bedroom. Give these tips and tricks a try, and see what happens in your sex life…
Don’t forget to let me know if you do!
