Earlier this year, I dug into the world of online sex work. It hasn’t been a big stretch from my sex writing career, aside from being more interactive. So far, it’s gone better than I could’ve imagined.
I’m by no means a perfectionist, but do want to give my clients the best possible experience. I’m not afraid to seek professional help and more than happy to pay for it.
I’ve been involved in the kink community for years but wanted to learn how to better harness my power as a strong, empowered woman. Especially as I navigate new dynamics in a digital space, where femdom fantasies are a frequent request.
Read: Why I Started Doing Online Sex Work During COVID
I discovered that Pan Eros Foundation, my local center for sex-positive culture, was offering a virtual class, The Modern FemDom – Creating Female Led Relationships. I signed up in a hot second.
The class was led by Madame Posh, a Dallas-based BDSM educator/coach, professional, and lifestyle Mistress, among many other things. Throughout the two-hours, I realized that many of the tips she offered for D/s dynamics could translate easily to non-D/s relationships.
There are power dynamics in every relationship. It affects how people think, feel, and interact with others. Learning about power dynamics and how they work can help partners understand consent, boundaries, and how to communicate.
Here are the top takeaways I learned from Madame Posh that could help you and your partner(s) have better, healthier relationships—in and outside the bedroom.
For 24/7 D/s dynamics, Madame Posh says it’s not all fun and games.
“Probably 15% of the time is spent on play—the fun, kinky stuff, while 85% is about communication skills."
As a FemDom, her biggest job is to help this human being feel like a whole human every day, meaning they are worthy, and they are beautiful.
Instead of looking at roles strictly through a female or masculine scope, Madame Posh suggests looking at your dynamic as a partnership. Your partner may have more F- or M-type characteristics (as she likes to call it), but it’s important to celebrate all aspects of your partner.
It’s OK to play with the roles in a celebratory way—avoid being derogatory in any way.
Posh posed the question: “What is the modern femdom?”
The answer? “It’s whatever the fuck you want it to be,” she says.
“We don’t have to fit into any stereotypes—be the femdom you want to be.”
The same goes for relationships. “Create a space in which you can live authentically like you,” says Madame Posh. “You can have the relationships that you want to have.”
Read: 3 Scenes for a Beginner Femdom to Try
Madame Posh likes to create a femdom vision board. “Define your desired dynamic, then go back and filter out realistically what you can manifest into your life existence,” she advises.
Go ahead, and put Beyoncé and Angelina Jolie on your board. There may be different aspects of their personalities you want to fit into your own persona. Ditto for books and historical figures.
“What’s the energy you want to take from this book or historical figure?” she asks. Make an effort to envision the relationship you want and map it out.
“Have you told yourself that you love yourself today?” asks Madame Posh.
“If you don’t think you’re the shit and that you are worthy and deserving, how can you expect someone else to?”
She suggests putting a note with an alarm on your phone. Remind yourself over and over again. Go so far as to SAY IT OUT LOUD. “I think it’s really important to manifest things.”
“You can’t give from your cup if it’s not full,” reminds Madame Posh. “Your duty as a dominant to your submissive is to put yourself first. You need to take care of yourself so that you can then be there for them—whether you are mentally, emotionally, or physically in that space, depending on how your dynamic works.”
Putting yourself doesn’t mean taking care of yourself instead of others. It simply helps you be a better version of yourself so you can show up for others.
Read: Discovering Your Femdom Persona
When listening to your partner, try to refrain from taking immediate action and making a knee-jerk response. “Listen in a whole-body way,” says Madame Posh. “What else is your partner communicating to you beyond what they’re just saying? Watch all of their non-verbal language.”
This will not only help with your communication but with your intimacy and your relationship. Pay close attention to the gestures they make, their tones. “You know, I know my partner can say the same sentence in three different tones, and I can tell you exactly what those tones mean, really,” says Madame Posh. The reason for most conflict in life is, is miscommunication. Listen.
Madame Posh encourages having friends who are on your side of the slash [referencing D/s], and space for fellowship beyond your partner. For her, that means turning to her BIPOC community and folks with like identities, so they can connect on similar experiences.
“Sometimes, we need to talk to our support system about our partner,” she says. “I see this often, where both submissive and dominant people come to the community, they find a partner, and then they isolate themselves. And then when they break up, guess what? You don’t have a fellowship with other people, so now you feel doubly alone.” The same thing applies to typical relationships, too.
A submissive wants to service its dominant; wants to feel needed. Madame Posh points out that women are predominantly the caregivers and mothers in our society. “That role gets very much ingrained in us, and sometimes, it’s hard to step out of it,” she notes. It’s easy to default to an “I don’t have any service for you to do” state of mind, but she bets you do. “I bet you you’re just so used to doing all those things yourself that you don’t even realize that you have things that would be considered service to your submissive,”
“So, just remember that things that may feel like you are indulging, often are things that your partner really enjoys doing to help you.”
Your submissive, much like any partner, wants to feel needed.
Read: 5 Ways to Spot a Good Submissive
Instead of waiting for conflict to happen in your relationship, Madame Posh advises partners to mark their calendar and carve out intentional time to check-in. On the last Thursday of the month, she and her partner have dinner together and create an open space to talk. “It’s a proactive way to create a safe space for your partner to communicate things to you in a not already awkward or emotionally charged setting,” she says.
