Breath in-one, two, three. Hold. Exhale- three, two, one. Let your mind be free of thoughts and concerns. Focus on your breath and elongate your spine.
When I say the word "meditation" is the above dialogue what comes to mind? People sitting peacefully, legs crossed, face relaxed, the world around them disappears. They have a mind that is decluttered, perhaps even free from thought itself.
Meditation is often stereotyped as something people who are neo-liberal, New Agey, and who have loads of free time do. Meditation has also been white-washed and often comes through the lens of privilege e.g. ableism, ageism, classism. So why would anyone who exists outside of these tropes want to get involved with it and what on earth does it have to do with sex? This is still a site for sex advice, right?
Read: How Mindfulness Can Help You Have Better Orgasms
As much as meditation and mindfulness have become a part of pop culture and often co-opted by middle-class cis/het society it is not something that was designed for the privileged or that would be accessible to only a small percentage of society.
Mediation is something we can do sitting, standing, walking, or while working. It does not require us to have an absence of thoughts but to instead have the ability to observe the thoughts and redirect them. While many depictions of mediation are rooted in Eastern philosophy and religion we find examples of meditative practices across the globe and throughout history.
Research tells us that the benefits of mindfulness are plentiful. From decreasing physiological ailments to improving mental health, meditating, in almost any form, has a multitude of positive outcomes. When it comes to sexuality we also know that stress, trauma, and distraction are anti-aphrodisiacs. From arousal to orgasm- sex with a depleted mind and body are less than stellar. So how can we take the benefits of meditation and bring them into our bedrooms?
As I mentioned, meditation is not simply sitting or lying down to center your mind. You can meditate while walking (a personal favorite), coloring, listening to music..any quiet activity that doesn't require intense concentration. Find a space that allows you to take a few moments to stop feeling distracted and focus only on what is right in front of you.
Notice the sounds, smells, tastes, colors, that surround you. Don’t try to not think, try instead to notice your thoughts and to let them flow through you. As you do this notice your breath and allow your inhale and exhale to be a little bit slower, a little bit deeper.
Read: Sex for the Soul: Tantric Exploration for Beginners
Once you have carved out time to have a focused meditative practice, begin weaving it into your daily life- pausing to breathe and quiet your thoughts while answering emails, waiting in traffic, and listening to your loved ones. As this becomes more comfortable you will feel ready to incorporate these exercises into your sexual connections.
When beginning this practice I suggest starting to do this during solo sex time (masturbation). This takes the pressure off observing your feelings while interacting with a partner. If you usually use erotica in some form, try to put it away for now so that you can be completely immersed in what you are feeling in your body. You may notice thoughts or memories that surface and bring you joy or ones that are painful and have been suppressed. This leads us to our next point.
As we just said, many of these observations may be painful or difficult to reconcile with. This is why we often stay in a constant state of distraction, sexual or otherwise. It is important to not be left alone to process these feelings.
Whether it is shame about our desires, our bodies or past trauma, take note of what you are observing and connect with a certified/licensed sex counselor, therapist, or educator who can help you work through this experience to make it a productive and transformative.
Read: How Journalling Can Transform Your Sex Life
How often do we struggle to answer the question “What do you want to do?” or “How does this feel?” in complete honesty? As you continue to grow in being more attuned with your sexual mind, body, and spirit these questions become easier to answer.
Share with your partner what you are feeling, the things you are sharing with your therapist, or anything else that might be helpful in creating a fruitful conversation for you both.
Sex is nothing to fear or be ashamed of, and meditation can help us find these truths in the midst of our hectic and busy lives. By taking the time to learn a meditation style that works best for us and gives us the tools to reconnect with our core self we can see sex as something truly transformative.
