Are You Ready for the Swinger Lifestyle?

Do you catch yourself wondering what the swinger lifestyle (usually just called "the lifestyle") is all about? Are you curious to attend an event or meet-up, but you hide this curiosity, for fear of being judged? Do you know what makes someone a "swinger" - and do you think you might be one?

Although we hear about alternative relationship styles more often in today's age, many people are afraid to share or discuss their thoughts with anyone for fear of judgment and shaming. The question is, have we made any progress when it comes to acceptance, nonjudgement, misconceptions, and allowing society to impact what we believe is right or wrong?

From the outside looking in, "civilians" (also known as "vanillas" in lifestyle terminology) often have a very misguided overall understanding of what classifies someone as a swinger. The misconception that a bell rings at midnight and it is "swapping time" is hardly a good explanation of what defines a swinger.

My experience with the swing lifestyle began 12 years ago as part of a married couple. In 2012, I opened my swinger community while simultaneously working as an adult performer, director, blogger, coach, motivational speaker, and relationship coach specializing in the swing lifestyle.

Swinging and Kink Shame

I have been approached numerous times by either a client, a listener of my podcast, a reader of my book, or a member of my community expressing their confusion and seeking guidance. The swing lifestyle can enhance your relationship as a couple or open your eyes to new experiences as a single. However, if you are not aware of the rules, the etiquette, and the mistakes that could be made, it can be very detrimental to your overall success.

Sometimes, it seems like society has made progress accepting different types of sexual relationships that stray from what we were brought up to be considered normal. However, in my line of work, I see a major need for more education and fewer assumptions.

Read: The Easiest Ways to Try Kink for the First TIme

I come in contact daily with people who feel ashamed or embarrassed that they have a certain kink, fetish, or fantasy and keep it hidden to avoid ridicule and judgment. This is prevalent among the clients I coach and my webcam customers, who wait until their wives are in bed so they can roleplay their fantasy without feeling ashamed.

Many of us are brought up to believe that you must be monogamous with just one sexual partner and that to deviate is not acceptable. The school curriculum includes basic sex education, but there is no information provided that teaches the psychology behind kinks or fetishes or various relationships.

It happens too often today that a person goes through life accepting that although they may have different sexual interests, they choose not to explore deeper for fear of judgment.

Exploring the Swing Lifestyle

Are you still scratching your head wondering where you fit in? What most people are unaware of is that there are various types of swingesr. Consider these examples. Do you think any of these people are more "swinger" than any other?

• A voyeur is someone who just enjoys watching. Do you fantasize about watching your partner have sex with another person of either the same sex or opposite sex, but you have no interest in participating sexually? Does that mean only the participating partner is a swinger?
  
  
• What if only the female half of a hetero couple wants a bisexual experience with what is known as the elusive "unicorn", a single lady in the lifestyle. Is only she allowed to identify as a swinger if her husband is just watching?
  
  
• What about a couple who enjoys the "hot-wife" fantasy, where the husband enjoys watching his wife be with another man, but he has no interest in participating? Is she the only one who is a swinger?

The answer to all above is that both partners can identify as swingers or as dabbling in the lifestyle, trying new experiences and seeing where they fit best and feel most comfortable. The swing lifestyle is, just that, a lifestyle. It's a different way of thinking about and embracing your sexuality. Both parties do not necessarily need to engage in sexual activity with someone to be classified as a swinger.

Read: How I Became a Swinger

The lifestyle can even intermingle with BDSM. A cuckold scenario is a good example of where the two might meet. Picture a heterosexual couple, where the male partner enjoys taking on the submissive role as a cuckold. His arousal may stem from hearing what another man did for his wife sexually or watching his wife have sex with another man. Sometimes, humiliation and insult from his wife heighten the male's sexual arousal.

The Importance of Honesty

One thing that we see that we see very prevalent in our society is cheating and deception. The lifestyle allows you to be honest with your partner and allows the lines of communication to stay open between two consenting adults.

It is important to be aware that the lifestyle can be a very dangerous and risky path to take in a relationship if you are not 100% secure, open and honest with one another. There are rules, or what is known as common courtesy. However, just like most things in life, if no one has taught the rules or guided the right way, mistakes are going to be made.

One of the most important things to remember is the line of communication. If you are part of a couple and are either interested in another couple in an online platform or in-person at an event, both you and your partner should make contact together. Whichever one of you is the prominent user of your online profile should always introduce yourself by identifying yourself by your profile name and introducing yourself as half of a couple, and then open the lines of communication. Once you have established this is a couple or single you would like to meet in person, the exchange of contact numbers should be with all involved in one group chat or online app communicating program such as KIK.

Read: Open Relationships: Can Sex with Other People Bring You Together?

I am a perfect example of how the lifestyle can ruin a 14-year marriage. Due to lack of communication, my marriage ended from our involvement in the swing lifestyle. We did not have access to the information that is more readily available on the internet today. No one taught us any rules, safety guidelines, or what to watch out for. We learned through trial and error which, sadly, was the ultimate cause to the end of our 14-year solid marriage.

I am often asked, why I would stay in the adult industry and continue to run a lifestyle club, considering my experience. My answer is simple: the lifestyle provides me with a sense of community with like-minded adults where I can be open about my sexuality without judgment.

Learn More About Being a Swinger

Today it is easier to find information on the lifestyle and educate yourself through listening to podcasts, reading articles and visiting websites related to swinging. Keep in mind that sometimes when fantasy meets reality it is not always what we imagined. Communicate with each other regarding what you liked and did not enjoy and decide together if it is something you want to try again.

Read: Group Sex Etiquette 101

When you have both mutually agreed you are ready to take this step, tread slowly and make sure that as you experience something new together you reflect on the experience after and decide if you are in agreement to repeat the action.

There are numerous online platforms specific to the lifestyle community which offer you a chance to be part of the community. These platforms have informational forums, local meet and greet at a bar, a variety of groups that cater to different levels of interest, and even the ability to filter your search to singles or couples in your area by age and level of experience.

Remember to be honest at all times, keep no secrets and listen to your partner. As a couple, you both chose to enter this world together, if one of you is not interested anymore you both exit together.