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BDSM Relationships: A Quick OverviewDom vs. SubPower Exchange vs. Power Struggle What to Do If You and Your Partner Are Switches Making switch-switch relationships work
But what exactly happens when two parties in a committed relationship want to switch? This can present quite the balancing act. You might both feel like taking the submissive role in the same moment or the dominant in others, so navigating a switch-switch partnership harmoniously can take a little bit of tough negotiation.
Let's talk about making your BDSM relationship work when both of you identify as a switch, so that your sex life is full of gratifying power exchanges – not power struggles.
BDSM Relationships: A Quick Overview
Understanding the ins and outs of a switch-on-switch relationship takes a basic understanding of what being in a BDSM relationship actually means. BDSM, which stands for Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism, speaks to a type of kinky relationship that can be as simple as a sexual act where one partner is “in charge,” or as robust as a lifestyle where total power is exchanged.
You can dabble in BDSM without ever having intercourse, but you might find that the role you identify with (see: switch) is integral to your view on sexuality and relationship.Participants in BDSM come from all identities and backgrounds. Male or female, transgender or homosexual, people from every part of the human sexuality spectrum enjoy BDSM.
Here’s a TL;DR on need-to-know terminology:
- Dom: Otherwise known as the Top. A sexual participant who takes a leadership role and assumes consensual control of their play partner(s).
- Sub: Otherwise known as the bottom. A sexual participant who willingly gives up some or all of their autonomy to a partner – whether this be for one scene, or for the entirety of the relationship.
- Switch: A switch can take either a Dominant or submissive role in a BDSM scene. They may like dominance and submissive equally, or have a preference for one or the other. They should be comfortable in either position. A switch may shift roles because they feel more Dominant or submissive at different times, or because they want to experience a wider range of sensations or activities.
While this isn’t a comprehensive list of BDSM labels, it’s just a starting point to help you grasp the diverse landscape of power exchange relationships.
It’s important to note that roles in D/s relationships are self-selected, and that your dynamic can be fluid. According to Dr. Joy Berkheimer, players have the choice and autonomy to define and move through their relationships. So if you and your partner both identify as switches, you’re not alone in the desire to experience both roles.
“The essence of BDSM is surrender. The truth is, both parties are always surrendering to their agreed upon role,” Berkheimer tells Kinkly. “Surrender is a choice, and when you feel empowerment in the fact that you always have a choice, as opposed to feeling like the options have to be the same, you can flourish in a multitude of dynamics.”
Dom vs. Sub
Both the Dominant and the submissive are in incredibly empowering positions – simply on opposite sides of the coin.
“A dom typically oversees and designs the experience - they are the playwright, and they are the director, directing the action,” Dr. Berkheimer explains. “The sub is allowed to simply surrender to the direction that their dom has chosen…as long as this direction serves the sub too. So there needs to be an understanding of each other's boundaries and pleasure for this to be done well. Both really have power in this space, they just place their power in different places.”
As a switch, you might thrive in any number of dominant and submissive situations.
Here are some roles you or your partner might be interested in assuming:
Types of Doms:
- Sadist: A sadist thrives on delivering intense sensations, often in the form of painplay. This may or may not involve emotionally topping their partner. A sadist does not value rituals or protocols as much as they simply want someone to punish (or, “funish”).
- Mentor: This kind of Dominant takes their pleasure in improving or molding their submissive, from monitoring their finances to establishing a healthy sleep regimen. As a mentor dom, you may not be in it for physical play, although punishments to motivate your submissive might be quid pro quo.
- Femdomme: This is a popular term for a female-identifying Dominant who takes the reins on her partner(s) in the bedroom. Femdom (or Female Domination) can be psychological when it involves humiliation or belittling your partner, or physical when it involves restraints or impact play.
- Rigger: Sometimes known as rope artists, this Dominant takes extreme pleasure from tying their partner up. For some riggers, the simple act of twisting their submissive into intricate knots is incredibly erotic. For others, the bondage is a means to an end; they equally relish in the sexual play that comes once their partner is bound.
- Owner: An owner is a Dominant who desires complete and total ownership of another human being. You may say it encompasses all of the roles above. An Owner may supervise a submissive’s day-to-day habits while also assuming total control in the bedroom. This level of control fascinates Dominants and submissives alike, but it necessitates ongoing communication and readiness to adjust the dynamic if needed.
Types of Submissives:
- Little: Sometimes known as babygirls, these submissives identify with young children and indulge in being babied for by an authority figure. Littles in this situation are often seeking guidance and care. This dynamic may also be focused on behavioral correction, where the little learns to expect punishment for misbehaving.
- Rope bunny: Rope bunnies feel aroused when tied up or harnessed by a partner. They might enjoy the sensation of being tightly bound, or find the delayed gratification erotic as they submit their body for the significant amount of time it takes to enjoy a rope bondage scene.
- 24/7: A 24/7 submissive surrenders authority over their lifestyle to their dominant. This might include performing household tasks or providing financial support in addition to sexual submission.
- Service submissive: This type of submissive gleans satisfaction from domestic duties as doled out by their dominant. Service submissives might handle cooking and cleaning or act as furniture, such as a footstool or an ashtray, for their Dominant.
- Pet: These submissives act like personal pets to their Dominant, often by crawling on all fours, wearing a leash or a harness, or making animal noises as opposed to speaking. Petplay allows couples to explore a variety of power dynamics and play scenarios, and differs from a furry fetish.
Power Exchange vs. Power Struggle
No matter what kinky roles you and your partner slip into when it’s time to play – from Owner/pet, to Rigger/rope bunny – they each constitute a level of power exchange. In BDSM, this term is used to describe when participants willingly and voluntarily relinquish control to their play partner, in a specific situation, for a specified period of time, or completely.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you both identify as switches, the lines over which one of you gets the power in any given situation become hazy. You may find that you and your partner aren’t aligned on what roles you want to play at a given time, and this can lead to clashes over who takes the lead. Before you know it, you’re in less of a power exchange and more of a power struggle.
The first step to mitigating this might lie in knowing exactly what you want.
“The issue I find is common, and many in the BDSM community are weary of this, is what’s called a ‘bait and switch,’” Dr. Berkheimer explains. “This is when a play partner initially says they are not a switch; that they identify with either being a dom or a sub. Shortly after you begin to connect, you then get the insistent request to switch positions, and this puts you in a place where you’re forced to play a role you are not quite comfortable with. Especially if you truly are not a switch. You signed up for one experience, but you can grow an anxiety that when you do play, you may not be satisfied.”
Setting clear guidelines around what you like and how you like it can go a long way in ensuring your partner does not feel misled down the road when you express a desire to try a new dynamic. If you’ve been taking the submissive role for a long time and feel the urge to dominate, bring this up with a partner in a non-sexual setting, so that they aren't taken off guard in the throes of passion. The same goes for even more subtle changes, such as shifting to a sadist dynamic when you’ve mostly come off as a mentor. This way, when it comes time to scene, there can be a peaceful, pre-negotiated exchange of power, without fear, anxiety, or confusion.
What to Do If You and Your Partner Are Switches
There are a lot of wonderful things about being a switch. Even if your partner is one, too.
“The variety of sensual and sexual experiences, of course!” says Dr. Berkheimer of the benefits of a switch-switch dynamic. “The way I dom may include completely different scenes, sensations, and experiences than the way my partner doms. Both parties will have that opportunity to be exposed to what your partner presents, which offers the chance at expanding your sexual repertoire.”
But in order to unlock all of these perks, you need to manage any tensions that arise between partners who have yearnings to Dom and to sub. Dr. Berkheimer asserts that being as clear as possible about your sexual identity, fantasies, and needs can help in building a solid foundation that weathers the power struggle.
“The simplest way would be to find, create, or complete a contract that goes through how you manage consent, safe words, or limitations to the dynamic all around,” she explains. “After setting the stage, hold consistent check-ins with each other, to ensure you’re still on the same page and open up a forum to share evolving needs.”
Trust, safety, and intimacy in a relationship may be your greatest assets in navigating sticky situations where the balance of power between two switches feels off-kilter. When you’re having a disagreement with a partner who might feel just as strong, dominant, or commanding as you do, knowing that your dynamic was fostered with compassion at the center can help you cool down and get back to basics.
In these tense moments, Dr. Berkheimer recommends getting outside of the bedroom and incorporating regular intimacy practices into your relationship.
“Get back to activities that are mutually and individually beneficial,” she suggests. “This could be doing things like yoga together, or taking a hike. Both parties deepen their connection to themselves, their intuitive sense of what they need, and how they self soothe. This can also make it possible to pour into ways that two switch partners can support each other.”
It may feel tempting to set rigid guidelines over when your roles switch. If conversations like: “You’ll Top Monday through Wednesday, I’ll take over on Thursday” are making things feel fraught in your bedroom, it might be time to loosen up.
Instead, work on building that intimate knowledge of your partner’s needs, and trust that they know yours well enough to exchange the power peacefully when the time is right.
Making switch-switch relationships work
Considering the kaleidoscopic nature of the BDSM scene, embarking on a switch-switch relationship can’t be one-size-fits-all. It’s about finding that sweet spot of communication, compassion, and self-understanding that allows you to share your needs in any given scene, as well as support your partner in taking on the role that feels most organic for them.
While your relationship won’t be without its hurdles – particularly when both parties want to switch – the thrill of experiencing an endless buffet of D/s dynamics with your significant other is well worth it. By keeping the lines of communication open, respecting each other's boundaries, and being real about your desires, you can build a connection that's as tantalizing as it is authentic.
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Written by
Elizabeth Kirkhorn
Elizabeth Kirkhorn is a writer and essayist living in Manhattan. She is a graduate of The New School's MFA in Writing and currently lends her voice to a Creative Strategy Role at Dotdash Meredith, where she focuses on health & wellness brands. Elizabeth's writing spans a wide range of kinks and curiosities, and can be found on O.school, MysteryVibe, Byrdie, and beyond. Elizabeth's personal passions include creating fetish content that's friendly and accessible to all...
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