Lily does not like being beaten up. She does, however, like consent.
Consent, Memories and Communication
When she plays with me, I know that there is a lot more going on with her: memories that still loom strong in her mind. So, when she consents to play, I know that she risks revisiting those memories.
In the room of consent, she feels comfortable. If she does find those memories during play, we work through them; play eases or stops. Much like the game of Consensual Torture Simulator, which deals with issues like stopping play, aftercare, and taking care of your partner, we found that the space within consent allows for revisiting memories and trauma in a safe space. In this space is compassion. In this space is vulnerability. (Read more about this in Bondage With Benefits: What I Learned from BDSM.)
There are times where she wavered. I know the signs. Eyes crossing, for example. Her breathing becoming shallow. I make sure to ask if she is OK; and not just physically OK, but emotionally OK. Should I hold her? Sometimes, that is all I need to do.
Of course, this is all incentive to make sure you communicate well before and during play; we've played together often enough that I know what to look out for when Lily is feeling overwhelmed. I ask if she needs me to untie her bonds, or if she needs a hug, or both. I touch her, with her permission, to reassure and comfort her. She has struggled with depression and mixed feelings about things like home and success. So, when she is struggling with trying to get out of her ties, she assigns emotional weight to this act that I do not. Consequently, when she has trouble getting out of the ties, she may feel even more helpless than when we started. It's as if her issues could never be overcome, and that it's not worth even trying. Within seconds, a pleasurable play session can turn from fun and exciting for the both of us, to Lily sobbing into my shoulder.
