Hooking up is an umbrella term that describes being physically intimate with someone outside a committed relationship. Hooking up can mean different things to different people including kissing, having oral sex, or having penetrative sex. It may describe a one-off occurrence or an ongoing casual relationship.
History of the term hooking up
The term hooking up has evolved over time. Originally it was a synonym for “getting hitched,” a common expression for getting married. However, in the 1990s it became a euphemism for having casual sex.
Why do people enjoy hooking up?
Hooking up can be a lot of fun. It can help someone feel attractive and provide physical pleasure. It can give people the freedom to explore their sexuality and try different things, without the expectations or judgment of a partner. It can also help them assess their dating options without committing to a relationship. Hooking up is a way to connect with others socially. It may combat loneliness for people who are between relationships or not looking for a serious partner.
“Hooking up can also deepen the sexual relationship you have with yourself,” Kinkly learned from Emme Witt-Eden, a sex writer and expert who spent a year having hookups, an experience she captured in her memoir, “Confessions of a Middle-Aged F-Girl.”
“Though I’m definitely not against porn, masturbating to porn is about pleasure and doesn’t satisfy that urge to be with another human," Witt-Eden explained. "So, hooking up is, in a sense, a way to get more out of the sexual relationship you have with yourself. It’s also a great way to satisfy your sexual needs if you’re at a busy point in life and don’t have the bandwidth to commit to someone else.”
Hooking up can also be great for mental health, especially for people who aren’t looking for a monogamous relationship. Physically intimate acts from kissing to sex flood the body with mood-boosting endorphins and oxytocin. It can be a great stress reliever that helps people better manage the demands of their jobs or studies.
Why use the term hooking up?
As hooking up can mean so many different kinds of intimacy, people may use it to maintain a level of privacy. Saying they hooked up with someone allows them to share they were intimate with someone without giving specific details about what they did. As this expression is fairly vague, people might use it to avoid judgment or peer pressure around their intimate activities.
People might also use the term hooking up to gossip about other people, especially if they aren’t sure of the details surrounding a hookup.
Can relationships come from hooking up?
Sometimes people develop relationships with people they’ve hooked up with, but this is usually unexpected.
“One of the most important rules of thumb for hooking up is that both partners need to be on the same page about the limits of their relationship. If you are going to hook up with someone, you need to comprehend that this is just a casual relationship,” Witt-Eden cautioned. “If you’re looking for a more serious relationship with this person, don’t start hooking up with them. I’m not saying it never happens, but usually hookups don’t evolve into something more serious.”
If someone develops feelings for their hookup, discussing it openly can help them assess whether those feelings are mutual. They can then decide together whether they want to try being in a relationship or to part ways.
What is hookup culture?
Hookup culture is the beliefs, values, and practices shared by a group that promotes casual intimacy without committed relationships. Hookup culture is typically seen among young adults, especially college students.
As hookup culture promotes physical intimacy, it can reduce the stigma around sex and help people feel more open to talking about their desires, limits, and preferences. However, it can also make people feel pressured to engage in casual intimate acts.
“Because hookups have become normalized, people also think they should enjoy having them. When they don’t, they pretend they do, and unfortunately, this ends up hardening people,” Witt-Eden said. “Vulnerability is necessary to connect with another human, but if we’re accustomed to using people for sex and being used, then we’re never going to risk being vulnerable. And so that impacts our ability to have serious relationships in any regard, and this is a sad reality.“
Staying safe while hooking up
While some people love hooking up, others feel uncomfortable with physical intimacy outside relationships. People should assess their comfort level and only try hooking up if they’re happy with casual intimacy.
The oxytocin the body releases during hookups promotes feelings of attachment. It can encourage people to develop romantic feelings for the people they hook up with. It can be emotionally painful to hook up with someone after developing these feelings. Feelings of guilt, embarrassment, disappointment, or loneliness are also common, especially if people have strict religious beliefs or miss the support of a relationship. If hookups don’t feel satisfying, it can be a sign that it’s not the right time for this kind of intimacy.
Consent is also crucial for a successful hookup. People should clearly give and receive consent and share any boundaries they have to ensure no lines get crossed. Some people also like to explain what kind of encounter they’re looking for, such as a one-night stand for example, to make their expectations clear. People can also withdraw at any time if they feel uncomfortable or they have mismatched expectations.
Reducing physical risks during hookups
When hooking up involves sex, it carries a higher risk of catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI) than having sex in a committed relationship. It’s impossible to trust that a hookup is disease-free, even if they say they’ve been screened recently. People who have casual sex are also likely to have more sexual partners, which puts them at higher risk of STIs. Condoms are the best contraceptive option for hooking up, as they can minimize the risk of STIs and pregnancy.
Drugs and alcohol can make it more difficult to make smart decisions. Some people prefer limiting their use of these substances before hooking up to help them stay in control.
“There are also physical dangers to hooking up, especially for women,” Witt-Eden added. “If you're hooking up with people you meet online, exercise caution when meeting them alone. Be careful going to their home or inviting them to yours without getting to know them first. You should always meet in person in a public place before you have sex. Listen to your gut and note any red flags. Does this person make you feel uncomfortable in any way? But also know that some red flags won’t be noticeable at first. Narcissists are expert charmers. So keep your guard up, sad as that may be, until you get to know this person better. Also, always make sure that someone else knows where you are.”
Communicating with close friends can help make hookups safer friend. Before leaving a party or bar, many people tell their trusted friends where they’re going and who they’re going with. They might also check in with their friends when they’re home safely.
