Brandon Simpson, AMFT, ASAT, an LGBTQ Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Novus Mindful Life
It is important to understand that there are many ways to be polyamorous and a lot of what any one relationship looks like can come down to what the agreements the participants in that relationship make. As with any romantic or sexual relationship, consent is key for people in polyamorous relationships.
Polyamorous people understand and accept non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice. This makes the way they conduct their relationships different from cheating. There is no deception.
According to Simpson, “A polyamorous relationship can either be closed, where there is a set number of partners and the partners do not interact with others outside of the relationship, or open, where partners still interact with others outside of the established relationship.”
Regardless of the particular structure, many polyamorous people know and are friendly with their partners’ partners, also known as metamours, and even their partners’ partners’ partners.
Additionally, communication is a cornerstone of polyamorous relationships. It’s important for polyamorous people to establish ground rules with their partner and discuss any jealous feelings they have to maintain happy, healthy relationships. While communication is vital in polyamorous relationships, the degree to which participants communicate the particulars of their relationships may vary. Some people are very open about who they are dating and what they are doing while others prefer a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach.
While society’s focus on monogamous relationships can frame non-traditional relationships as inherently unhealthy, this is actually not the case. Studies have shown people in polyamorous relationships are as satisfied with their relationships as people in monogamous relationships. While the agreements are different, polyamorous relationships can and often do have all the respect, trust, and love that monogamous ones do. Some polyamorous people even consider themselves married to multiple people, although these marriages are not recognized by law.
Types of Polyamory
Here are some ways people who practice polyamory might describe their own relationship style:
- Hierarchical Polyamory: A polyamorous relationship where one couple is the “primary” couple who might set the rules for the “secondary” relationships. This often involves couples who are married or cohabitating though it is also possible for such couples to practice nonhierarchical hierarchical polyamory in which case they may refer to the partner they live with as their “nesting” or “anchor” partner.
- Quad: a polyamorous relationship involving four people who are all involved with each other.
- Throuple: A non-hierarchical relationship between three people who are all involved with each other.
- Vee: A relationship involving three people where two of them are both romantically/sexually involved with the third person but not with each other.
- Polyfidelity: Any polyamorous relationship where all participants collectively agree not to seek any relationships outside their relationship. Also referred to as a “closed” relationship
- Kitchen Table Polyamory: When everyone involved in a polycule (people who are connected via partners) can collectively conduct open discussions about their relationships.
- Parallel Polyamory: When polyamorous people maintain multiple separate relationships with partners who do not interact.
- Garden Party Polyamory: The middle ground between Kitchen Table and Parallel Polyamory, this is when relationships are kept separate but separate partners might occasionally interact at parties or events.
- Solo Polyamory: Solo polyamourous people prefer to live independently and conduct multiple separate nonhierarchical relationships. Some define their primary relationships as being with themselves.
- Single Polyamory: This is a polyamorous person who happens to not have any partners at the moment. Single polyamorous people are still polyamorous.
- Relationship Anarchy: This relationship model sees everyone involved as free to connect sexually and romantically with others without any restrictions such as hierarchy, labels, or rules.
Etymology of the term Polyamorous
The term “polyamory” combines the Greek root “poly,” meaning “many,” and the Latin root “amor,” meaning “love.” Philosophically this serves to accurately depict the belief that the term is meant to convey: that love can be shared among many, not limited to just one, without being diminished. Linguistically, the use of mixed origin roots is divisive and it has been argued that “multiamory” or “polyphilia” might be preferable terms.
