A ruined orgasm is the disruption of a sexual climax at the point of peak arousal. It may be a low-quality orgasm or no orgasm at all. Some people classify these two types as partially ruined orgasms and fully ruined orgasms.
A dominant may deliberately give their submissive partner a ruined orgasm to assert their control during a BDSM scene. Ruined orgasms can also happen accidentally. This could occur if someone gets interrupted during sex or masturbation or if their vibrator’s battery fails.
Ruined orgasm vs. edging
Both ruined orgasms and edging involve withdrawing sexual stimulation when someone is very aroused. However, they have different intents. Withdrawing sexual stimulation for a ruined orgasm aims to minimize pleasure, while during edging it aims to maximize pleasure.
For a ruined orgasm, the dominant may withdraw sexual stimulation just once. For edging, sexual stimulation gets withdrawn and returned several times as the receiving partner gets closer to orgasm. During a ruined orgasm, the submissive has a small orgasm or no orgasm at all. During edging, the receiving partner should have a very intense orgasm due to the build-up of sexual tension.
Ruined orgasm vs. orgasm denial
During a ruined orgasm, the submissive gets to the point of orgasm. A ruined orgasm may still involve having an orgasm, although it’s not as intense as a regular orgasm.
Orgasm denial involves denying the submissive this kind of release completely. Instead, they must sit with their sexual tension for an extended period, with no relief in sight.
What does it feel like?
Ruined orgasms can feel different for different people at different times. It may be a small orgasm that lacks the intensity and release of typical orgasms. Sometimes the body spasms as it does during a regular climax, but the sensations can be painful instead of pleasurable. Feelings of frustration, disappointment, and embarrassment may also come with a ruined orgasm.
While most people want to experience the full release of an orgasm, some people find ruined orgasms pleasurable.
“The ruined orgasm is one of those kinky paradoxes that some people love and others, find completely underwhelming,” Dr. Emily May, an AASECT certified sex therapist and writer for Private Sugar Club, told Kinkly. “Speaking from both professional experience and personal observations, I can tell you that a ruined orgasm is a rollercoaster. You're building tension and reaching a climax only to have it pulled from beneath you. For men, the stimulation can be likened to edging which is essentially the same process but solo. This is used to create more intense orgasms. However, for women, it relies a lot more on the connection with the partner and the dominance aspect. The power play and giving control into someone else's hands is what really gets people going in this BDSM dynamic.”
Why some people like ruined orgasms
People typically enjoy ruined orgasms because they like surrendering control to their partner. They may enjoy having a partner tease them, then exert their dominance by denying their satisfaction. Giving up power to a partner in this way can be mentally arousing, even if it’s not physically arousing.
Ruining a submissive’s orgasm can be similarly pleasurable to a dominant who gets off on being in control. They may enjoy seeing just how aroused they can get their submissive before ruining their orgasm.
Some dominants add other elements into ruined orgasm play that can be mutually enjoyable for them and their submissives. For example, erotic humiliation may be a part of the experience. A femdom might tell her submissive that he’s not a “real man” because she’s in charge of his orgasm.
Some people also enjoy ruined orgasm play because it subverts sexual norms by reducing the importance of the orgasm to the sex. When orgasm isn’t the key aim, people begin to appreciate the full sensual experience.
Men and other penis owners who struggle with impotence may like playing with ruined orgasms because it can improve their sexual endurance. If they can ejaculate without climaxing, they might stay aroused longer and be able to participate in other sexual activities.
Ruined orgasm fetish
Ruined orgasms can become a fetish for some people who find being denied pleasure a pleasurable experience. This fetish is most common among male submissives with dominant female partners. They may enjoy the tease-and-denial pattern of ruined orgasm play. They may also hope to earn a “good orgasm” by pleasing their partner.
How to play with ruined orgasms
Preparing for ruined orgasm play can make this kind of sexual play more successful. Researching dom/sub power dynamics can help interested parties learn about best practices and safety. If they are still interested, they should broach the topic with their partner.
Through honest communication, people can learn whether their partner consents to ruined orgasm play, which role they might play, and how a ruined orgasm scene might play out for them. They can also establish a safeword and signal that lets either party stop the play at any time.
“If you’re thinking about playing with ruined orgasms, here’s the advice I give my clients: You don’t want to go into this blindly,” Dr. May said. “Start slow, talk openly about how far you want to take things and don’t be afraid to laugh along the way. The first few tries might be awkward especially if you're new to power play. But ruined orgasms are a great intro to BDSM in my opinion.”
Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist, couples therapist, and writer for Passionerad, told Kinkly that edging can be good preparation for playing with ruined orgasms.
“The best and most pleasurable way to play with ruined orgasm is by the dominant discovering edging on their submissive partner beforehand (outside of the roleplay) to get a knowledge on how far they can push the stimulation before their partner reaches climax,” she explained. “When knowing where their limits go, you can ruin their orgasm in an extremely pleasurable and teasing way that, if you let them orgasm, will make the climax feel amazing, and if you don’t let them, will leave them even more frustrated and teased.”
To start a ruined orgasm scene, the dominant partner usually takes their time sensually teasing their submissive. A successful ruined orgasm counts on getting the submissive to the brink of orgasm, so the dominant needs to ramp up the sexual tension. They might use a variety of techniques, including caressing their submissive’s erogenous zones, performing oral sex or analingus, and using sex toys on their partner. They may escalate the tension by starting to have sexual intercourse with their partner, although if sex occurs, it usually comes after extended foreplay.
When the submissive is at the brink of orgasm, the dominant withdraws all stimulation. If they time this right, the submissive will experience a ruined orgasm.
Some dominants may use aids like chastity devices, which stifle the sensations the submissive feels, or vibrators they can switch off to withdraw stimulation. A dominant may also instruct their submissive to masturbate but then tell them to stop to ruin their orgasm.
“The point of the play is to not achieve orgasm; however some people have more sensitivity so it takes a little practice to be able to experience a ruined orgasm,” Dr. Michael Grey, a board-certified sexologist and licensed marriage and family therapist, told Kinkly. “The body still goes through the physical reactions to stimulation; however there isn’t the emotional/physical release, so you can learn more about your body through this exploration. Allow yourself to make mistakes, it will happen.”
Ruined orgasm safety
There’s nothing physically unsafe about this practice, although people may feel some physical discomfort when their orgasm gets ruined.
“The biggest thing is this kind of play can get intense, especially if someone is really invested in reaching that peak. So, make sure that you're hydrated and maybe bring some lubrication if you plan on going at it for a while,” Dr. May added. “Going dry is pretty common in extended sessions such as this. If things get a bit rough make sure to have check-ins during and after the play.”
A bigger concern is the psychological impact of ruined orgasms. While this kind of play can be fulfilling when all parties consent, submissives may also feel a host of negative emotions.
“The sub could feel frustrated, vulnerable, and insecure due to the dynamic and sudden lack of stimulation,” Dr. Grey explained. “Like any play, it’s important to negotiate and discuss aftercare. Imagine you’re feeling amazing, body sensations are going, and then boom, it stops. Some people could internalize that as not feeling ‘worthy’ or ‘disregarded.’ While it’s not the intended outcome of the play it can happen. As a Dom, it’s their job to help their sub through aftercare feel emotionally safe and comforted, even if the emotions come weeks or days later.”
Along with aftercare, having a thorough discussion about ruined orgasms and ensuring both parties give their informed, enthusiastic consent before play can minimize the risk of hurt feelings.
