Dick Pics: This Is Not Your Grandfather’s Exhibitionism

In those dark times before cell phone cameras and the Internet, there were still men who thought every woman they met wanted, needed and deserved to see their Johnsons. The men who acted on this were called "flashers." Stereotypically, they wore long trench coats with nothing underneath, and snuck up on unsuspecting pedestrians to display their man-parts. This was a crime, one that people totally got arrested for doing. Now, imagine for a moment that every man who's ever texted an unsolicited dick pic was arrested. That'd be a lot of arrests, right?

We know now that lots of men want to share their junk shots with the world at large, or at least with any potential sex partner willing to text two words to them. Some fellas, no doubt, think it's sexy to send dick pics to women, or that the women totally want to see them. A few might even think that sending a junk shot will get them a female nude pic in return. General politeness presumes that like getting undressed in public, one should only do this if they're certain that their partner is on board.

But more recently, dick pics have started to extend well beyond intimate text messages. In fact, they're kind of going viral.

Dick Pics That Took on a Life of Their Own (No, Really!)

As it turns out, there is a dick pic hierarchy. Some men are just way better at genital photography than others. Simon [no last name given] is the proprietor of the wildly popular Tumblr "Things My Dick Does." His highly NSFW photos feature his own member (which he calls "LD" for "little dude") engaging in a variety of tasks and activities. Readers - myself included - find his pics as adorable as they are hilarious. Accented by digital accouterments, LD can be seen enjoying a glass of wine, answering emails, sporting a festive sweater and more. How does a disembodied penis reach this level of popularity? We asked Simon how it all began.

"As I was taking some (tasteful) sexting shots I noticed my dick had actually been resting on a pillow the whole time. And so I put a sheet over him because it looked like he was sleeping. I sent that pic. She laughed. And then I drew a face on it. She laughed some more. And then the arms. Then the accessories. And so, The Little Dude was created. But after sending her a few she seemed to not appreciate them as much as I thought they should be appreciated. So I posted them on Tumblr so that LD could get the praise he deserved!"

Phallic Photography Skills

Apparently this sort of phallic photography requires the development of new skills, as Simon described.

"If anything I think the site has helped me tone my kegel muscles. Sometimes I have to balance sh*t on my …. head. Those muscles really come in handy when trying to balance, maintain an erection, and get everything in the frame."

By the way, Simon welcomes your questions and comments. However, he does not welcome your own personal penis pics.

"I’m not really into other dude’s dick pics. Please stop sending them. I look at mine SO much that I don't actually need to see anymore. Promise! And besides, The Little Dude likes to think he’s the awesomest little dude in the world. Can you imagine how devastated he would be if he sees an LD cooler than him!??? I can't put him through that."

Is Genital Photography Real Art?

Some might argue that the blatant sexual connotations of Simon's penis pics preclude his Tumblr page from being "real" art. I have to wonder what these same people might say about the new trend of nutscaping. This involves taking a snap of an impressive landscape, framed so that the subject's scrotum is at the top of the frame. Sadly, I wasn't able to contact any active nutscapers in order to get their thoughts. I did find a simple set of instructions, though, should any of you fellas want to try your hand at scrotal landscapes.

• Find yourself someplace awesome.
• Turn your back on the awesome scene.
• Drop your pants (please observe all local laws).
• Bend over and shoot the nutscape between your legs.

I guess all that's left after that is to get your photo to go viral. Is a tranquil landscape panorama enhanced by a nut sack? Ruined by it? That's got to remain a matter of individual opinion. Personally, I don't find genitals aesthetically pleasing enough to consider it fine art. But your mileage may vary. I don't think the adventures of LD rise to the level of obscenity either, which I've learned is a divisive opinion. Civilization has debated the role of nudity in art for hundreds upon hundreds of years. In the end, everyone should have the right to create, consume and enjoy the type of art that speaks to us. Whether your passion is whimsical, nut-covered landscapes, or enthusiastic penises going about their usual daily routine, it cannot be disputed that nutscaping or LD's adventures are not your grandfather's exhibitionism.