When people hear “Femdom” it often conjures ideas of a B-movie dominatrix, or perhaps a PVC-clad Rihanna brandishing a whip, singing about S&M. But there’s a lot more to Femdom than that. In fact, there are as many ways to explore power dynamics as there are people with kinky fantasies.
It’s a common misunderstanding that kink or BDSM needs to be mean, rough, or painful. In fact, many forms of BDSM explore far more nurturing dynamics. “Gentle Femdom” is just one of many ways to get your kink on in a softer, more approachable way.
What is gentle femdom?
So what exactly is gentle femdom? Like some other, softer BDSM dynamics (such as Mommy or Daddy play) gentle femdom focuses on the softer side of kink.
“Soft FemDom can be about uplifting your partner(s), giving them challenges that they are sure to master, and can include caring for their needs, praise kink, confidence building, and rewards,” Aud Jektvik, certified kink informed specialist in sexological counseling told Kinkly.
Kink & BDSM always requires the full consent of all parties, achieved through careful communication. But some of these softer, more gentle dynamics may have even more emphasis on communication, and on co-creating scenes to meet the desires of all parties.
Authors note: Anyone can be a femdom! Femme as an identity is not limited to people assigned female at birth.
Gentle Femdom Dynamics
What might it look like to explore power exchange in a gentle context?
“Think of ways to give an experience that supports [your partner’s] confidence and builds trust and closeness,” says Jektvik. “Maybe being in a maternal, loving, teaching, or caring role would be just what they need. Maybe being praised, cuddled, pampered or being given so many orgasms that they feel completely calm and relaxed is something they desire.”
Some folks may have personal experiences with supportive authority figures to draw on. But, if like many of us, that doesn’t describe your life experience — don’t worry! That’s where fantasy comes in. For example, think how you wish someone like a boss or professor could have supported you. How might your work have been praised or encouraged? Then try emulating that fantasy figure in your kink play.
Framed another way, harsh dominance might be a drill sergeant calling someone a pig and demanding 20 pushups, while gentle dominance could be a personal trainer encouraging, “You’ve got this, I believe in you,” while you try for one more push-up.
Core Principles of Gentle Femdom
When you’re developing your power exchange dynamic, or planning a BDSM scene, your imagination is the only limit. And there are times when it might be advantageous to keep a partner on their toes, unsure of what’s coming next.
But in gentle femdom, it might be more conducive to a nurturing and supportive environment to keep the jump-scares to a minimum. Blending kink elements can be viewed like composing music, or building a recipe. Sometimes you want discordant tones to keep the listener on the edge of their seat, or extra spice to make a diner sweat — and sometimes you want an easy-to-enjoy and digest experience.
Being gentle doesn’t mean playing without intensity. Think of gentle femdom as more about how you do something, than what you’re doing.
Gentle Femdom Ideas
Folks interested in kink often hit a wall when it comes to building scene ideas. Luckily, there are numerous resources to turn to for fantasy fodder. Although porn isn't really sex education, it can be an incredible way to stimulate new ideas, as long as you're not using the scenes your watching as a benchmark for your own experiences. And luckily there is no shortage of gentle femdom porn available to help you get those ideas flowing.
Maybe live-action porn isn’t your thing? No problem. Check out other formats that could be more to your taste, from gentle femdom hentai to written erotica (try Literotica) or even gentle femdom audio erotica if you’d like to listen on the sly, say during a commute.
But if you want to get started right now, here are a few ideas to try:
Explore Petplay
If it’s tough to get out of your own head, taking on an entirely different role can help.
“If you are into petplay you can have your submissive be a kitten. Kittens in a petplay session can be petted, stroked, have their hair brushed, lay on your lap or by your feet, or be taught tricks,” says Jektvik.
And since many folks are naturally inclined to be kind and gentle with puppies and kittens, you might find this kind of play flowing naturally.
Roleplay an experience you wish you’d had
As mentioned, many folks were missing nurturing authority figures in their early life. But maybe you can help heal some of those wounds by building new memories. From a driver’s ed instructor to a personal trainer, the possibilities are endless. And if you really want to make it spicy, how about a hands-on sex educator? That ‘condom on a banana’ situation can go from silly to hot very quickly in the right hands.
Sensation Play
Sensation play is an overlooked kink—and it’s perfect for people who want BDSM that doesn't hurt. Think of everything as a sensation. On one end of the spectrum you have gentle sensations, like being stroked with feathers, and at the other end, you have the more stereotypical kink activities like being whipped or flogged.
To create a gentle sensation play scene, all you need to do is get creative with items around the house. A scarf or tie can become a blindfold, to help focus the receiver’s mind. And you can use objects like feathers, fur, and ice cubes to create a symphony of sensations against the skin.
Gentle femdom pegging
Pegging is an incredibly popular fantasy, with good reason. The opportunities for pleasure with anal penetration and prostate play are often missed, due to stigma and shame keeping people from exploring. And this makes pegging a perfect activity to explore in an explicitly gentle context.
Receiving penetration requires trust and vulnerability, and gentle femdom dynamics done right can foster these feelings in a relationship.
“We know that experimenting with BDSM can build trust. Being open about your biggest turn-ons and also your boundaries, and having your boundaries respected builds closeness,” says Jektvik.
Aftercare
All kink and BDSM requires aftercare, but why not elevate it to a scene of its own? Perhaps one night your play is short and intense, leaving plenty of time for extended aftercare. You could prepare favorite snacks or desserts to share, set up the bathroom with candles and a bubble bath for two, or bring out the massage table and a selection of lotions and oils.
Aftercare rarely gets the attention it deserves, and spending time luxuriating in aftercare is a great way to build trust with a partner. That trust may allow you to explore even further the next time you play.
Experimenting with gentle femdom dynamics can add both intimacy and fun to your relationships, whether they currently include BDSM dynamics or not. Gentle femdom play is also a great place to start your BDSM journey, especially for those who may be a bit nervous about pain or power dynamics. It's a great reminder that not all BDSM has to be rough and rigidly hierarchical.
