In this article ▾
What Is Relationship Anarchy?How It Differs From PolyamoryThe Core PrinciplesThe Relationship SmorgasbordHow to Actually Practice ItWhere It Goes WrongIs Relationship Anarchy Right for You?Want to See It in Action?Common Questions About Relationship AnarchyThe Bottom Line
Instead of following a default hierarchy, relationship anarchists design each bond from scratch, based on what those two people actually want and agree to. The term was popularized by Andie Nordgren, whose short manifesto laid out the core idea: love is not a limited resource, and you do not need a rulebook to have ethical, caring relationships.
How It Differs From Polyamory
People mix these up constantly, so let’s be clear. Polyamory usually still has a concept of “partners” and often a hierarchy, a primary partner, secondary partners, and so on. Relationship anarchy rejects the ranking altogether.
An RA person might have several deep connections and refuse to label any of them as more important by default. It is less about how many people you are involved with and more about refusing to sort your relationships into a preset pecking order. You can be a monogamous relationship anarchist, oddly enough, if you simply reject the idea that your romantic partner should automatically outrank your friendships.
The Core Principles
- No automatic hierarchy. Each relationship is valued on its own terms, not by category.
- Customized commitments. You and the other person decide what you are to each other, from scratch, rather than importing a template.
- Love is abundant. Caring for one person does not subtract from your care for another.
- Autonomy over rules. RA leans on trust and communication instead of a long list of relationship rules and permissions.
- Friendships count. A platonic bond can be a central, life-defining relationship, not a consolation prize.
The Relationship Smorgasbord
The most useful practical tool in RA circles is the idea that a relationship is not a package deal. Conventionally, saying yes to someone means importing a whole bundle at once: sex, romance, exclusivity, living together, shared money, being each other’s emergency contact, a shared social life, maybe kids.
RA unbundles that. Each item is its own conversation. You can share a mortgage with someone you are not sleeping with, be someone’s emergency contact without being their partner, or have a decades-long sexual connection with a person you would never live with. None of those are compromises or half-relationships. They are just what those two people chose off the menu.
This is where RA gets genuinely useful even for people with no interest in non-monogamy, because it gives you language for connections the standard script has no slot for.
How to Actually Practice It
Principles are easy. Here is what it looks like on a Tuesday.
Have the explicit conversation. The thing RA replaces assumptions with is talking, so you have to actually do it. What are we to each other? What do you want from this? What would hurt you?
Re-open it periodically. Agreements made a year ago may not fit now. RA relationships tend to get a deliberate check-in rather than waiting for a crisis to force one.
Know the difference between a boundary and a rule. A boundary is about you: I need to know if you are not using condoms with someone else, because it affects my health. A rule is about controlling them: you may not sleep with anyone else. RA leans hard on the first and is suspicious of the second.
Say the unglamorous parts out loud. Testing schedules, barrier use, who knows about whom, what happens if someone catches feelings. Autonomy without information is not freedom, it is just risk somebody did not consent to.
Treat friendships like they matter. If you claim no hierarchy but every friend gets cancelled the moment a date appears, you are not practicing RA. You are just dating.
Where It Goes Wrong
RA gets used as cover, and it is worth being able to spot it.
The most common failure is what people in the community bluntly call RA as a shield: someone announces they reject hierarchy and rules, and what they actually mean is that they reject being held to anything at all. Rejecting imposed rules is not the same as rejecting commitment. If someone invokes autonomy every time you raise a hurt, that is not a philosophy, it is an exit strategy.
The second failure is quieter and more sympathetic. Some people adopt RA because a partner wanted it, then spend a year performing a calm they do not feel. Wanting a primary partner and a clear hierarchy is a completely legitimate thing to want. RA is not a more evolved way to date, and anyone framing it as a moral upgrade is selling something.
The third is practical. No hierarchy on paper still means finite time, and nobody has eight evenings a week. RA does not dissolve scarcity. It means you allocate deliberately rather than by default, and people who skip that part tend to leave a trail of quietly neglected relationships.
Is Relationship Anarchy Right for You?
RA asks a lot. It trades the comfort of a clear script for the work of constant, honest communication, and that is not everyone’s idea of a good time. It tends to suit people who chafe against relationship “shoulds,” who have big platonic loves they refuse to demote, and who are genuinely willing to talk things through rather than fall back on assumed rules.
It is worth being honest with yourself: RA is not a hall pass or a way to dodge accountability. Done right, it usually involves more communication than a conventional relationship, not less. If that sounds exhausting rather than freeing, a different flavor of non-monogamy might fit better.
Other structures worth knowing before you commit to a label: hierarchical polyamory keeps a primary partner on purpose and works well for plenty of people. Solo polyamory means multiple connections with independence as the fixed point. Hotwifing and candaulism are narrower and largely erotic rather than structural. Swinging is often the most social and the least philosophical of the lot. There is no prize for picking the most radical option.
Want to See It in Action?
Heads up: some links below are affiliate links, and Kinkly may earn a commission at no extra cost to you. Strictly 18+.
If you want to explore the connected, multi-partner side of desire:
- Adult Time – a large library of couples and connection-focused scenes for inspiration.
- Chaturbate – couples rooms, where the multi-partner and watching dynamics play out live rather than scripted.
Common Questions About Relationship Anarchy
Is relationship anarchy just an excuse to cheat?
No. Cheating is breaking an agreement. RA is about making honest agreements in the first place, usually with a lot of transparency. Deception has no place in it.
Can you be a relationship anarchist and monogamous?
Yes. Some people practice RA while only sleeping with one person, they just reject the idea that a romantic partner should automatically rank above every friendship.
How do you handle jealousy in RA?
The same way healthy non-monogamy does: name the fear underneath it, ask for reassurance, and communicate relentlessly. Jealousy is information, not a verdict.
The Bottom Line
Relationship anarchy is not about having no rules; it is about not inheriting them. You build each connection to fit the actual people involved, and you let love be something other than a ladder. It takes more talking and more honesty than the default script, but for the right person, that trade buys a kind of freedom the escalator never could.
K
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