Self-Aftercare Basics For the Single Kinkster

Being single in the BDSM scene is fun: you get to try playing with people you meet at munches and parties, you get to experiment with new kinks and experiences and, best of all, you have nobody to report to but yourself. You get to choose, and you get to do whatever you want.

But being single also has its drawbacks, especially if you play often. Whether you're a top or a bottom, you'll sometimes feel what is often called "drop" in the kink community: the lowered mood state that happens after an endorphin high. Although it's more often discussed in the case of bottoms (subdrop), tops can suffer from it as well (topdrop).

Even though you'll get immediate aftercare after a scene, the effects of drop can last up to a day or two after a scene. If you're a single kinkster, you may not have someone at home ready to help you through that phase, so you need to learn how to do your own aftercare. Here are some tips on how to to do it.

Read: Research Shows Being Single Doesn't Mean Being Unhappy

Have an Aftercare Kit Handy

Whenever you go out to play, have an aftercare kit ready (along with your favorite toys!). Basic aftercare items include arnica gel or vitamin K cream (to rub on the bruised areas and speed up the healing process), a bottle of water or sports drink (to rehydrate after a scene), something sweet like candy or chocolate (to perk you up and give you energy), and anything that makes you feel comfortable like a favorite blanket or a plush toy (yes, even adults can have those!).

Even though most parties will have some aftercare items, you should always make sure you have everything you need ahead of time.

Understand Your Own Needs

As you become a more experienced player, you'll know instinctively what you need to do (or get done to you) to feel better after a scene. But even if you're just beginning, it's good to pay attention to your instincts and to write down a few notes after a scene.

For example, I tend to get very woozy and light-headed after a scene. I'll have trouble speaking full sentences and doing simple things like putting shoes on or zipping up my dress. I can't be counted on to clean the play area right after a scene. My play partners know this, and they always make sure to sit me down safely while they clean up, and then take me by the hand and lead me to the aftercare area. Chocolate is always welcome, and they usually have some with them.

But my needs go beyond the few minutes after a scene. The day after, I need to sleep more, and I can't do much more than watch TV. So I make sure that my day is free of heavy intellectual work, and I prepare some silly movies or shows to watch. I keep lots of carbs around - I tend to crave pasta, candy and bread on post-scene days.

Keeping a kink journal is really helpful too, especially in your first few months. Note your feelings, your thoughts and your cravings. Show it to your play partners so they know what to expect and what to ask when they check on you.

Once you're aware of your post-scene symptoms and needs, you can prepare beforehand so you don't need to worry the day (or days) after playing. Queue up your favorite mushy TV or movies on Netflix, buy the food supplies you'll crave ahead of time, and don't make any appointments. Make sure all the work you need to have done is finished (a great motivator for procrastinators like me!) so you can have a guilt-free day off to recover.

Be Kind to Yourself

Dropping after a scene is not weakness. It's the natural process of your body going back to its natural balance after an endorphin high. It naturally causes feelings of sadness, depression, disconnection and longing.

You need to be kind to yourself and just let the process take its course. Phone your play partner or a kink-friendly friend if you feel overwhelmed. Good play partners will check on you for a day or two after a scene, but sometimes that's impossible (in the case of pick up play, for example), so having a friend around to chat and check on you is a good precaution.

Single Doesn't Mean Alone

Being single doesn't mean you have to deal with your post-scene drop alone or unassisted. Sure, you have to take care of your own needs first, but there's always a community to reach out to if things get a bit rough. Play partners, kinky friends or even just a BDSM forum where you can write a note and express your feelings can help you deal with the feelings you get after an intense scene.

Are you a single kinkster? How do you manage your aftercare? Share your tips and ideas with our community in the comments!