Sexualizing the Soft Penis

Can you imagine saying these words? Can you imagine them being said to you? Can soft penises actually be sexy?

We have this false narrative that penis owners should show up with rock hard erections to sexy time and keep those erections exactly as long as they and their partners want them to. Like a row of military cadets, penises must be at attention and ready to respond to commands. They get hard when we want and they come when we want. These unrealistic expectations set many of us up for feeling like failures and often derail what could be fun sexy time.

Penises don’t always behave as we want them to when we want them to. This unpredictability can be stressful for penis owners and their partners. For some, being on a date or with a partner and not being able to achieve and maintain an erection for sex is unthinkable. They judge the soft penis as a useless appendage and can’t imagine it could serve any sexual purpose. It doesn't have to be that way!

Read: Can't Get Hard? 8 Tips for a Steamy Sexy Good TIme Anyway!

I suggest rather than rejecting the soft penis and declaring sexy time over, why not invite the soft penis to play? Soft penises can appreciate being fondled, licked, and sucked just as erect penises do and they can even ejaculate. Unfortunately, for some couples a soft penis becomes the elephant in the room no one wants to acknowledge. The soft penis owner is embarrassed or ashamed and their partner may be blaming themselves, feeling unattractive or unwanted. This cycle of negative feelings whirling around the bedroom, is an absolute buzzkill for sexy time and pretty soon no one is initiating sex.

As a sex educator, I encourage penis owners to take the pressure off. If an erection happens, great, enjoy it and if it doesn’t, great, enjoy that too. Don’t let the lack of an erection derail your time with a lover. Consider what you can do to give and receive pleasure, whether or not there is an erection in the room. Getting grumpy and mopey is rarely sexy. If the penis owner can be chill about it and continue expressing sexual energy it sends a message to the partner that play time is not over and we don’t need to be ashamed of soft penises.

Read: Yes, Pleasure is Possible, Even with No Erection

Stressing about an elusive erection is not the answer. When we are stressed, our nervous system responds and we may go into fight, flight or freeze. No surprise, getting an erection is not part of this protective response, as having a rock-hard penis will not save us from predators. Instead, our brain is focused elsewhere. The more one can relax, the better chance an erection may decide to show up. One cannot force an erection. Achieving an erection is about letting things happen. Who knows, perhaps if the pressure is off, blood will start flowing in that direction.

Of course, there are some things a soft penis can’t do. For example, it can’t be hard. And sometimes a partner wants something hard inside of their vagina or anus. In that case, fingers, even a full hand (with plenty of lube, communication and patience) or sex toys can be used to achieve this.

Amazing sex doesn’t just happen. Well, sometimes it does. But not always. It often takes creativity, versatility and the acceptance that things don’t always go as planned. So, if you’re dealing with a soft cock, show it some love and you will get that love back.

November 13th-19th is Soft Cock Week. For more information, check out https://www.softcockweek.com/

R

Written by

Remi Newman

Remi Newman, MA, is a sex educator, counselor and writer with over 20 years of experience in the field of sexuality. She currently works as an STI educator and counselor in Northern California. She received her master’s degree in sex education from NYU.

Remi Newman

Related reading

8 Steps to Giving a Woman Amazing Oral Sex

Get Kinkly’s Top Sex Tips – Just In Time for Valentine’s Day!

Dirty Talk 101: The Art of Using Your Words