Confessions of a Cuckquean: It Isn’t Always Rainbows and Unicorns

As a cuckquean writing about the fetish, I’m reminded that honesty and transparency are critical. And that's because, when we hear common stories, it gives us permission to live authentically in that space. The other day, I received a beautiful message from a reader that exemplifies this perfectly:

“That was a great article. I had a friend who realized she was a cuckquean when I randomly described it to her. She was so happy to actually put a name to her secret fantasy…Thank you for being a voice for those confused and seeking to know themselves better.”

It’s easy to glamorize kink experiences and leave the complicated bits on the side. But the truth is, when I first tapped into my cuckness, I was excited and terrified! I’ve been through enough to understand my desire is real and my relationship is strong. This has helped me navigate blunders and remain on the road to my authentic, sexual self. So, to help build transparency and keep “being a voice for those seeking to know themselves better,” I am going to share some of the "complicated bits" with you.

Read: The Cuckquean Fantasy: A Comprehensive Guide to Archetypes and Terms

Here are some confessions from this cuckquean; and why it isn’t always rainbows and unicorns:

1. I Don't Always Feel in Control of My Fantasy

My husband, James, is a thorough man; and when he learned I was a cuckquean he was relentless in his research. Because I'm not desiring the kink 24/7, there were moments James’ proactiveness felt like he was overthinking my fantasy. I interpreted his research as eagerness to pursue and fulfill the fantasy on his time—without considering my needs.

Luckily, we spoke about our expectations, recognized that my desire as a cuckquean is very dependent on where I’m at in my cycle and, lastly, that moving at the pace of the slower partner is paramount to any couple’s success.

READ: Not Really My Thing: When Your Partner Reveals Kinks You Don't Share.

2. Women Mystify Me

As someone who has had more sexual experiences with men, I am confident in my ability to seduce and pleasure a man. Unfortunately, that doesn’t translate to women.

When seducing a woman and trying to read them sexually, I feel unsure and clumsy. I am very sensitive to women’s pleasure but am oblivious to their sexual interest. Because I have been relentlessly pursued by men—and have suffered at the hands of the orgasm gap—I am hyper-vigilant to avoid perpetuating either. Because of this, I put a lot of pressure on myself and James to perform exceptionally for women. This has caused disengagement between James and I during intimate experiences because our full attention is on the third party and not equally split amongst everyone. Consequently, I have left experiences feeling anxious and disconnected from James.

Our way through this has been checking in with everyone during each phase of the experience – getting to know one another, intimacy, aftercare.

READ: Finding and Caring for a Third in a Threesome: A Unicorn Guide.

3. I've Neglected My Agency—And That Never Feels Good

For a while I was letting James’ attraction determine the partners we brought into the bedroom. And when I felt unsure about someone, I chose to trust James’ desire over my own.

This led to anxiety surrounding pursuing my fantasy because I relinquished my right to negotiate. For a while I felt it wasn’t my place to say who James participated in this fantasy with because he is more “actively” involved. But what we both realized was, even when I’m not physically invested, I am always emotionally invested.

So, respecting my need for connection and comfort, regardless of what my participation looks like, is required.

4. I've Mistaken Friends As Potential Cuckcakes

This is two-fold. First, sex and friendship are complicated in my head—even if, theoretically, I know it’s possible and exciting. Secondly, I have this tragic flaw of “thinking for other people,” and have wondered if James sees all of our female friends as potential cuckcakes. This has created tension because James feels he can’t speak freely without offending me, or me making assumptions about his intentions.

READ: So, You Want to Try FWB (Friends With Benefits)?

My husband enjoys speaking about sex generally; and I have oftentimes misinterpreted this as a "come on!". Communicating this fear and creating our "red list"—people who are completely off limits as potential partners—has helped. On top of that, keeping certain friendships separate from sex has relieved my concerns and stopped me from overanalyzing situations or conversations.

5. I Didn't Want My Husband Sleeping With Someone "Prettier" Than Me

During my remission from bulimia nervosa, I dealt with body dysmorphia and continued to value myself based on my appearance. I have since worked through this; but there are still times I find it difficult to share James with someone I perceive as more attractive. I’m learning that:

1. Beauty is subjective.
2. Our relationship is stronger than the appeal of superficial beauty.
3. I can also enjoy another person’s beauty for myself.
4. What turns us on has less to do with superficialities and more to do with connection.

6. I've Had to Interrogate My Motives

One day, my mother asked me if my fetish is a response to past betrayals. In other words, is being a cuckquean a means of controlling what I see as inevitable (infidelity)?

If I spend too much time focusing on the “why” behind my cuckness, I can reach some dark places. But that doesn’t change this simple truth: Despite its origin, my cuckness brings me joy and pleasure.

Sometimes that is enough.

READ: The Joy of Finding Your Fetish.

7. I've Felt Emotionally Exploited

Lexi was an online sex friend of James’ during the earlier days of this fantasy. We agreed that her and James would have online access to one another without my involvement.

READ: How to Expand Your Online Erotic Adventures.

But what started out as playful and fun quickly turned exhausting for the two of us: James began receiving hordes of messages from Lexi whereby she shared everything that was wrong in her life. As empathetic people, we thought we could offer some emotional support. To our disappointment, though, she wasn’t looking for a solution to her problems—nor did she have any intention of changing her situation. Instead, she was using James as her emotional waste bin. So we cut it off.

James and I are open to real conversations with real people; however, if most of our interactions are pseudo-therapy, we don’t have the capacity to continue.

8. I've Had Uncomfortable Conversations With Loved Ones

Because I am a sex blogger and speak about my non-monogamous relationship publicly, word has gotten back to my parents—ugh!—about certain aspects of my lifestyle. In response, my mother, out of concern, has sought clarity about my relationship (love you mom!).

What started out as very squeamish discussions resulted in the installation of boundaries. I quickly learned to honor those boundaries while informing them about the realities of ethical non-monogamy and kink.

READ: The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking About Sex.

Conclusion: Strive for Progress, Not Perfection

Pleasure is my compass. And despite the occasional blip, I know I’m on the right path. Like a child learning to walk, you will fall sometimes. Let those moments be opportunities for communication and growth!

Continue to get up and honor that compass because there is nothing more pleasurable than knowing and accepting your kinky self.

And if you find this terrain difficult to navigate, I recommend finding a kink-positive professional—such as a therapist or mentor—who can support you on your journey. Building relationships with professionals who understand the diverse nature of sexuality creates a safe container for your desires—as well as a place you can unravel expired narratives and build sexual confidence.

Until next time,

Fuck well, friends!