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Learn Your Partner’s MindTake Your Intimacy Level Into AccountKeep it Simple and NaturalFrequency MattersSay Stuff That Turns YOU on Too
Learn Your Partner’s Mind
Sexuality is like a fingerprint in the sense that everyone’s individual wiring is unique. What churns one person’s butter might completely spoil the mood for someone else. The specific triggers of our fetishes can be subtle or seemingly inconsequential. For instance, a specific color of nail polish, or lack of any polish whatsoever, can make or break a sexual experience for a foot fetishist.
Rather than following some cookie-cutter script in the bedroom, try to get a sense of the details and dynamics that turn your partner on and off. Do they dig explicit affection or cold-hard domination? Do they like feeling dirty or clean? Naughty or good? Afraid or at ease? Degraded or worshipped? All of the above, depending on the timing, tone, and situation? Finding answers to these questions will put you on the right track.
Read: Sex Communication 101
For inspiration, ask about the kinds of situations, actions, or objects that your partner fantasizes about. You might also ask to check out some examples of porn or erotica they’ve enjoyed in the past. Remember to keep an open mind when they share this information with you. If you react in a way that makes them feel foolish, they might not feel comfortable sharing in the future. (Unless, of course, feeling foolish is their thing. Hur hur hurr.)
Take Your Intimacy Level Into Account
We tend to be more open and receptive to people we know well and trust, especially in sexual situations. Your partner may not be turned on by certain types of language until they’ve gotten to know you better, even if whatever you’re saying is central to their kinks.
Using degrading language, profanity, or even terms of endearment too soon can 100% ruin the vibe. That last one may come as a surprise, but it’s true.
Personally, I stay away from anyone who starts dropping titles like ‘kitten’ or ‘baby girl’ or ‘slut’ before we’ve established a solid rapport. I find it presumptuous. Your partner may feel differently.
Generally speaking, it’s best to wade into the pool to test the water rather than diving into the deep end. There are generous partners out there, however, who drop breadcrumbs to help us find our way.
“Am I the most irresponsible student in your entire class, Professor? Are you gonna show me what happens to naughty schoolgirls who don’t do their homework?”
“(Uhhhh, well I guess now that you’ve brought it up,) YES. Yes, I am.”
What a gift.
Read: Talking Dirty: Things to Say If Your Partner's Into Humiliation Play
Keep it Simple and Natural
It’s easy to get overzealous when we’re nervous. If you find yourself rambling on and on, grasping at straws, or getting caught up in worries about what you’re saying, take a step back toward your comfort zone and bring your focus back to your partner. If you don’t, they’ll be likely to pick up on your fear and feel pressure to perform or validate your confidence, making it hard for them to let go and enjoy themselves.
There’s no need to be dramatic, flowery, cheesy, or insincere while talking dirty. For many people, a simple word or sentence can be enough to light up their mind.
Some people dig a higher volume of dirty talk than others. It can be the difference between continuous communication or none at all.
“Yeah, you like this cock, baby? Tell me you like it. What does it feel like when I fuck you like this? You like feeling filled and stretched? Oh god, you’re so tight, I can’t handle it. What’s my name? Say my fucking name!!”
Versus,
“SHUT. UP. AND. LET. ME. CONCENTRATE.”
You and your partner will fall somewhere on this spectrum, so start in the middle and see how it goes if you’re unsure what to do. Narrating the entire experience will probably be too much for most people, but library-level silence might not feel like enough.
Say Stuff That Turns YOU on Too
The best dirty talk will have both of you exceedingly wet or engorged. If you’re turned off by something your partner wants to hear, it may be better to let them know how you feel and skip it. There are oodles of possible words to pluck from the ether. Find the common ground you share and enjoy it to the fullest.
Read: Talk Dirty to Me: The Why and How of Hot Aural Sex
Specific Suggestions
Here’s a handful of ideas to get your kinky brain going. Remember, there’s no catch-all strategy and what works well for some won’t work for others. Think about which ones will vibe with your partner’s preferences and be careful not to stray into non-consensual territory. Better safe than sorry!
Create anticipation:
- “I have a surprise for you later.”
- “I want you ready and waiting by 8 p.m. sharp.”
- “You’re in a lot of trouble when I get home.”
Express possession:
- “You’re mine.”
- “That’s my good boy.”
- “Who do you belong to?”
Imply devotion:
- “Do it for me, baby.”
- “I live to please you, Mistress.”
Use names or titles:
- “What’s my name? I want to hear you say it.”
- “You call me Sir when I fuck you. You hear me?”
- “I love you, sweetheart / baby / master / mistress / slave / sir / ma’am / daddy / mommy / little one / kitten / puppy / pet / slut / whore / fucktoy / goddess / my lord / my lady / king / queen / boss / minx / captain / Supreme High Chancellor of the Bedroom Realm,” etc. TAKE THY PICK.
Make requests and commands:
- “On your knees.”
- “Get your sexy ass over here.”
- “I want you to lick my clit like your fucking life depends on it.”
- “Undress as slowly as possible, starting with your shirt. NO. More slowly than that. Now fold it neatly and place it on the shelf. No, the OTHER SHELF. Pay attention and look where I’m pointing! Okay, now turn 90 degrees to the right, bend over, and slip off your panties. Ah ah! I said 90 degrees, not 45! Jesus Christ!” (How obsessively detailed can you get, you control freak?)
Threaten them, if they’re into that:
- “If you keep prancing around my house naked, I’m going to have to fuck you.”
- “You’re gonna find yourself over my knee if you keep pouting like that.”
- “I’ve had just about enough of your attitude, mister.”
- “You’re gonna regret that, young lady.”
Compliment them, if they’re into that:
- “God, you feel amazing.”
- “Your cock is absolutely perfect.”
- “You’re so pretty down there.”
- “You make the best noises.”
- “You are too goddamn sexy.”
Express enthusiasm:
- “I love making you come.”
- “I could eat this pussy all day.”
- “MORE!!”
Use porny words rather than clinical ones:
Use adjectives that target how they like to feel:
- “Dirty / filthy / nasty / messy”
- “Sweet / lovely / beautiful / enchanting”
- “Cute / adorable / little / tiny”
- “Sexy / hot”
- “Good / well-behaved / obedient”
- “Bad / naughty / disobedient”
- “Mean / scary / terrifying / intimidating”
- “Big / strong / commanding / dominating”
Read: BDSM 101 Tutorial - The Importance of Communication
Comment on the situation at hand:
- “Can’t move an inch tied up like that, can you? Must be uncomfortable.”
- “Fuck, you’re so deep.”
- “Take it all the way in… just a couple more inches… there you go…”
- “I’m gonna come!”
Focus on the fantasy:
- “Go upstairs and get your leash, pet. We’re going for a walk.”
- “You think lateness is acceptable in this office?”
- “I won’t tolerate eye-rolling in my classroom.”
- “Don’t worry, this won’t hurt… much.” (*snap latex gloves while laughing maniacally*)
Ask for consent:
- “You wanna get fucked, baby?”
- “Is that too hard, or do you want more?”
- “Does that feel good?”
- “How would you like it if I kept you under my desk like a fucktoy-in-waiting?”
Beg:
- “Please, Daddy, please, Daddy Daddy Daddy, please!!”
- “Oh god, harder! I need it!”
- “I’m dying to feel you inside me.”
- “No! No! Please don’t! Anything but that!” (Don’t forget safewords, consensual non-consent fans.)
Shut them up:
- “Shhh… quiet...”
- “I don’t want to hear a peep out of you, little one, you got that?”
- “You’ll speak when spoken to and not before. Understood?”
- “I don’t remember asking for your opinion, you worthless excuse for a slave.”
Got other ideas? Take ‘em for a test drive and see what sticks.
“What if I go too far?”
At some point, you may say something that misses the mark and either turns off, offends, or upsets your partner.
You’re human, so don’t beat yourself up, but don’t brush off their reaction either. A simple apology can make or break experimentation.
“Oh shit, was that too much? I’m sorry. I was just testing out dirty talk. I won’t say that again if it’s not your thing.”
With practice and a progressively deeper understanding of how your partner’s brain works, dirty talk will flow from your lips more naturally over time. Get to gabbin’, smooth operator.
M
Written by
Molly Lazarus
Molly Lazarus is a kink and sexuality writer based in the Bay Area. She dreams of a world where consent-loving hedonists can explore the depths of their depravity without fear of persecution or sexual abuse.
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