You've seen the stories and scrolled past the erotic images: You know anyone can be "in control" of a sexual encounter.
While the idea may intrigue you, nervousness about trying to do domination "right"—or worry about always knowing what to do while making a partner submit—may have made you toss the idea to your mind's recycling bin.
Luckily, you likely have a simple solution to these concerns in your pocket: a cell phone.
While exploring the beauty of a power exchange dynamic in person can be amazingly erotic, sexting can be a great asynchronous way to try out femdom for those who'd like a simple way to experiment.
READ: 5 High-Tech Ways to Enjoy Mutual Masturbation
Playing online and via text gets a bad rap in the BDSM community. The common sentiment is that it's "better in real-life"—and you know what? It is!
But kink play via sexting or online messaging can be a rewarding experience in a different way; and some aspects of it can certainly prepare you for in-person playtimes.
Some of the benefits of trying out those femdom heels via texting include:
One of the biggest concerns I hear from people wanting to flex their dominant side is that they're nervous and don't know what to do. Many are even worried about giggling in the middle of their own scene!
Using sexting to give things a "first try" can eliminate some of those nerves.
Giggle to yourself after sending something you thought sounded a little cheesy? They'll never know! But when you receive their steamy reply a few moments later, you might begin to see why being in charge can have some arousing perks.
Instead of the standard milliseconds that pace person-to-person interaction, when trying femdom via sexting, you'll have minutes to contemplate your next reply.
For those who are concerned about being in charge "on the fly," getting some practice via sexting will let you slowly dip into the self-confidence you need to be the femdom within your relationship.
READ: 3 Scenes for a Beginner Femdom to Try.
When you're still new at something—whether it's BDSM or hang gliding—most of your brain's attention goes towards trying to do a "good job." And while that might be useful for your latest work assignment, it's the opposite of useful for your sex life.
You're supposed to be enjoying yourself!
Trying out your femdom persona via sexting will give your brain some downtime so you can attempt to get into an erotic mood—while also being in charge. You can use that downtime to masturbate or use a favorite sex toy. That's because, unlike most in-person scenes, when sexting your hands are only "required" every few minutes!
Since your brain will be filling in some of the details, trying femdom via text also allows your mind to roam—and figure out the specific things that turn you on. You might be surprised to find you always fantasize about your sexting partner in a collar—or maybe they're always in a specific sex position.
Reading into the details your brain provides can help you figure out what you do (and don't!) want to do if you ever want to take your exploration IRL.
READ: People Share the Hottest Fantasies They Masturbate To.
While texting may not give you the full picture of whether you enjoy something, it can certainly help your brain process the idea of enjoying something.
While you may be terrified to be a strict, orgasm-denying mistress standing in front of someone, sexting might be a good way to try out that demeanor—and satiate your curiosity about it.
You can explore most fantasies while sexting—and constantly exploring these fantasies can help you nail down where you feel "comfortable" as a dominant partner too.
READ: Overcoming Obstacles in Your BDSM Relationship.
Now you're inspired, right? You've decided your next sexting session might include a little bit of femdom playtime. I think you're going to love it!
That said, if you're new to being in charge during sexual (and textual!) play, here are some tips that might help you have a smoother first experience:
Before you do anything else, you'll likely want to know that the person you're chatting with is interested in being told what to do.
For one, knowing your partner wants your dominance is an inspiration and aphrodisiac in itself! Consider asking something like, "I think it'd be a turn-on if I could be in charge. Would you like that sometime?" or, "Tonight, I think you and your body are going to be under my control. Would you like that?"
Remember: Not only is getting explicit consent the right thing to do, it also works in your favor. When you aren't consistently afraid of "going too far," you can have a better time. Even if you're sexting with a complete stranger you met in an online femdom community, make sure you both are on the same page!
Especially in the digital age, where providing pictures and videos is native to virtually app and can be done in seconds, ensure you and your partner(s) are on the same page about erotic media too! Are they comfortable sending pictures and videos? Is that something you want or expect? What about voice messages or phone calls? You get the gist!
READ: An Etiquette Guide for Sending and Receiving Nudes.
If you know you want to try being in charge but have never had the chance to try it before, you might benefit from finding some inspiration beforehand.
If your fantasies lean towards being cruel and humiliating, consider watching mainstream femdom porn. If your fantasies lean towards something gentler, I'd recommend videos by smaller producers—like amateur videos or smaller, feminist porn studios. There's a wide range of femdom dynamics out there; don't let mainstream femdom porn make you think all video porn is so harsh.
If videos aren't up your alley, don't forget about the magic of written (or audio!) erotica. While it might take awhile to find an artist who depicts the dynamics you're into, it can be worth it once you fall in love with an artist's style—and wait for every one of their updates with bated breath.
While you don't have to think out everything, one of the easiest ways to beat your nerves is to have a general game plan before you begin.
What would you like to do via text today? Would you like them to strip off their clothing, piece by piece, as they send you photos of themselves - and you get to critique whether that photo passes your inspection? Would you like them to take specific instructions for their self-pleasuring—and then ultimately deny their orgasm?
It's entirely up to you to decide what you'd like to do. But going into your texting session with a general "I'd like to accomplish this" will help you negotiate consent—and give you a game plan about what you'd like to say or "do" if you hit a temporary roadblock.
Everyone has their preferences, but it absolutely drives me straight out of the "mood" if I need to take a picture or a video mid-sexting. Now, instead of laying back and enjoying myself, I need to make sure I look "presentable", that I'm clean/showered and in nice-looking clothing, that the lighting looks good and that I like the resulting picture.
Considering it's pretty enjoyable to sext while lounging late at night, after a few drinks, in your pajamas, prepping for a picture doesn't add to my sexting enjoyment—it detracts.
If you share the same thoughts, I'd recommend having some pre-made pictures ready to go. Especially if you're someone who regularly sexts new people, a set of 10 different pictures can give you a lot of options for sending photos—and won't require any interruption mid-play.
Depending on the mood you're going for and the kinks you're into, here are some photo ideas for you:
As you figure out what "demands" you want to make of your submissive partner, and what kinks you're into, you'll likely add different suggestions and poses to your list.
The world of interactive sex toys is constantly expanding, and I am constantly amazed by it.
If you regularly play with a partner—and have the budget to make it happen—there are sex toys that can wirelessly connect to one another across the globe. This can mean controlling your sub's vibrations or selecting a pair of sex toys that synchronize your toy's movement to another toy's intensity level. Some brands that make this possible include Lovense, We-Vibe and Satisfyer. That can be an amazing way to use toys to connect—even long-distance!
READ: 5 Ways to Add Heat to Long-Distance Love Affairs.
And don't forget about toys for your own pleasure! Especially if you're someone who plans to stick to femdom sexting for awhile, you might consider getting a few awesome sex toys to accompany you on the ride. Getting a hands-free sex toy—like the Rocks-Off Ruby Glow, the Hot Octopuss Jett, the Wild Flower Enby 2, the EXO or an electrosex stimulator—can ensure your hands stay free to text while you enjoy yourself.
Alternatively, straddling sex furniture mounts like the Liberator Bon Bon or Liberator Tula can turn your standard vibrator (or dildo!) into a hands-free option as well.
If you're worried about doing an entire sexting session as the dominant person, that's OK. It can be really scary if you've never done it before!
Luckily, nobody says you can't start small.
Consider adding a few dominant slants to your regular sexting conversation. Demand that your partner send you a photo of exactly what you want—and whether you want to barter with a photo of your own is up to you. Try to tell them exactly what you'd like them to do at that moment. Be upfront and tell them exactly what you're doing—and how you'd make them pleasure you if they were with you right now.
You don't have to take control of the entire conversation, but throwing yourself into dominance once in a while may help you pick up the reigns entirely at a later date.
READ: 10 Things You Learn in a Femdom Class That Work in Any Bedroom.
