What Makes a Good BDSM Mommy

Curious about the role of a Mommy in BDSM? While "Fifty Shades of Grey" shone a spotlight on the Dominant/submissive dynamic, the dynamics a Mommy might lead haven't received the same spotlight. Despite the growing popularity of this type of relationship dynamic, it has mostly traveled away from pop culture's limelight.

In fact, you might not even know what a Mommy in BDSM is!

What is a Mommy in BDSM?

A "Mommy" is an identification used by someone on the Dominant side of a power exchange relationship. Typically, someone who identifies as a Mommy also identifies as a woman, but it's not required.

Unlike in "standard" Dominant/submissive relationships, tops who identify as a Mommy or Daddy tend to be looking for a more nurturing, caregiving and guiding role with their partner. Mommy and Daddy-led relationships are also more likely to be platonic, i.e., non-sexual, than their D/s counterparts. Some Mommy and Daddy-led relationships are even kink-free -- with a sole focus on the power exchange, caregiving, roleplay aspects.

READ: 8 Tips for Sexy - Not Silly - Role Play.

The bottom in a Mommy dynamic does not have to identify as a Little. While many bottoms seeking a Mommy Dom do identify with the Little role, it's not required. There are many submissives who are simply looking for a Dominant who prefers the qualities that would make someone identify as a Mommy.

While someone who identifies as a Mommy is more likely than the average person to be into age play, it is not required. Some Mommies enjoy honorific's "softer" feel -- compared to other Dom honorifics -- and don't have any interest in the age play aspects. Although, Mommies who enjoy the non-age play aspects may use the term "Mommydom" to denote their interests instead.

More information about the Mommy role can be found in Kinkly's sex dictionary.

How to Be a BDSM Mommy

Now that we're all on the same page about what a BDSM Mommy is, let's talk about how to be one.

Here are some key attributes that tend to be common among BDSM Mommies:

Know Yourself and Speak Up

While every power exchange relationship has its own agreed-upon parameters, Mommy/little relationships tend to be one of most flexible -- purely because it isn't really modeled anywhere!

In kink spaces, you can throw a rock and hit a D/s relationship, and Daddy/little relationships have recently really grown in popularity too, but Mommy/little relationships? They're starting to gain some awareness, but they're still out in the kinky wild west for the most part.

This means everyone within a Mommy/little relationship needs to be very aware of themselves and have a good idea of what they want out of the relationship. This is especially important for the Mommy in the relationship, who sets the relationship's rules and trajectory. If the Mommy is uncomfortable speaking up for themselves, it can be possible for their ultra-excited partner to push the relationship to places the Mommy didn't originally want to go. This can lead to a lot of resentment and ultimately end the dynamic.

A good BDSM Mommy has an idea of what they'd like their relationship to look like and has practiced setting boundaries and speaking up when those boundaries are being breached. They also need to be practiced in asking for what they need from their partner.

READ: The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking About Sex.

Take Critique

As mentioned, Mommy/little relationships are what you make of them! This means anyone within a Mommy/Little relationship is probably going to gently explore new activities and dynamics to figure out what's a good "fit."

So, a good BDSM Mommy needs to be able to accept critique when any of those new activities just aren't a good fit for their little. It can be really rough to hear the dirty talk you thought was ultra-hot just made your little feel really uncomfortable. It can be really demoralizing when you're trying to make a partner's fantasy to come life -- but they have feedback about the aspects you added that really just weren't for them. You might have even tried to bring a new sex toy into the bedroom, but sex toys simply make them uncomfortable in their littlespace.

And it's OK to admit that sucks! All of life is about trying new things, gathering information and going back to the drawing board to decide what to do next. The same can be said for vanilla relationships.

It just means a good BDSM Mommy needs to be able to take that critique in stride and figure out what the next steps will be - even if that means they need to take 10 minutes alone to process their feelings around the information.

Be Safety-Conscious

The Mommy sets the parameters of the entire relationship, and if they aren't safety-conscious, this can be really dangerous for their partner. Littlespace, like subspace, is an altered headspace, and many people deep in the throes of littlespace will find it hard to make good, logical decisions about what's going on.

(It's rarely discussed, but topspace can provide a similar mentally-altered state. That's why it's so important for the Top to have self-control to stick to the plan that was made before everyone was mid-scene.)

This altered headspace means a good BDSM Mommy needs to thoroughly understand -- and adhere to -- safety basics, so even being deeply involved within a scene won't keep them from respecting their partner's limits or enjoying your kinks safely.

From a platonic relationship standpoint, this might look like reading the ingredients on the packaging of your little's lunch to ensure it's free from ingredients that may trigger an allergic reaction.

For inexperienced Mommies or newly established couples, this may also mean sticking very closely to a well-thought-out scene that was planned with safety in mind ahead-of-time! Continuing our platonic example above, this may mean the Mommy serves the exact meal that their partner cleared ahead of time instead of choosing to swap out foods that sound better to them mid-scene.

They're Probably Creative

While not a must-have, a good BDSM Mommy is probably creative in some capacity. Lucky for us, almost everyone out there has some form of creativity!

Especially if the Mommy is into age play, a lot of scenes will be entertainment-focused and directed by the Mommy. What toys are we playing with today? Is there anything special about lunch? Are we doing a craft? Even sitting down for coloring books or building blocks can be an adventure in creativity. (And honestly, it's an adventure all adults should probably do more often. We could all use more creativity and freedom to explore in our lives!)

Even if the Mommy isn't into age play, creativity can help them plan out kink scenes and keep the dynamic feeling fun and adventurous.

While not required, if we're nitpicking, a "good" BDSM Mommy will have some sense of creativity and excitement about the relationship to keep things feeling fun.

READ: How to Put the Fun and Spark Back Into Initiating Sex.

They Love Caregiving

I debated leaving this off the list, but in the end, I think it's an important facet to a BDSM Mommy. Most people who choose to identify as a Mommy do so because some aspect of the caregiving dynamic really appeals to them, and keeping that interest alive is what's going to help the BDSM relationship flourish.

What "caregiving" means to a given Mommy may vary, though. Some may prefer to care for their partner through strict chore charts and spanking punishments that help their partner "grow up" to be a good person. Others may simply want to pamper and fulfill their bottom's every need during Saturday morning cartoons.

Just like any type of caregiving relationship, how your personalities fit into the caregiver/receiver roles will make a dramatic difference in what that dynamic looks like to an outside observer.

All that matters to be a good BDSM Mommy is that you love and enjoy your style of caregiving -- and that your partner enjoys receiving care that way, too!

Can a Mommy/Little Boy Arrangement be Sexual?

Yes!

There are no pre-set rules about any power exchange dynamic. Your Mommy/Little dynamic can be as sexual, or as platonic, as those involved want it to be. The only important thing is that you and your partner are on the same page. If you want to keep things platonic, have at it! If you want to add-in sexual play, more power to you!

While you're negotiating, I also recommend discussing what "sexual" means to each partner. For instance, one partner may consider adult nursing platonic while the other may consider it sexual. Or, one of you may assume "sexual" includes anything that explicitly touches the genitals, while the other may assume it's anything that intentionally brings up feelings of arousal.

READ: The Basics of BDSM Negotiation.

Some Mommy/Little couples may also negotiate specific "times" when sexual activity is acceptable. For example, a few of my Caregiver/Little friends agree that sexual activity is off the table when someone is in littlespace, but outside of littlespace, they regularly enjoy erotic play with one another. It's about what works best for you!

In short, the only rule pertaining to sexual actvity in Mommy/Little relationships is that you're both on the same page.

Conclusion

In general, BDSM Mommies are tops who enjoy taking on a gentler, more caregiving role with their littles.

While there are certain frameworks that inform this type of power-exchange dynamic, the only true "rule" for being a good BDSM Mommy is the same rule that applies to all relationships: That it feels good, and makes sense, to the people within it.

READ: Is a BDSM D/s Contract Worth It?