Meeting and, from there, hopefully playing with any fellow kinksters used to be limited to the very old-fashioned way -- that is, face-to-face or not at all.
It sucked then, and it would suck now, except that thanks to this newfangled thing called the "internet," we can meet, mingle, negotiate and perhaps even play with like-minded BDSM folks without having to change out of our pyjamas.
That doesn't mean online dating is perfect. In fact, there's a lot to learn about how to do it effectively and, most all, safely.
READ: A Look Into the World of Online BDSM Roleplay.
So let's take a look at some of its pros, cons and what you'll find when you first begin dipping your leather or latex-clad toes into kink dating sites.
Whether in-person or online, the first thing you or anyone else should ask themselves about BDSM dating is how to make it as safe as possible.
Or, in the case of kink dating sites, it might be better to swap out "safe" with "secure."
Note that you should strive to adhere to the RACK framework of BDSM play as often as you can. But along with physical and emotional risk reduction, you should make sure everyone's heads are screwed on straight and that those involved have clearly and unequivocally consented when online dating. You must be extra cautious about the sites you frequent and what you share about yourself.
Fortunately, a majority of sites, both kinky and non, have dramatically improved their security precautions. Still, never take their word for it. Instead, practice your own due diligence before signing up. I personally recommend steering clear of BDSM dating sites with social media integration because it is often far too easy to accidentally share something to Facebook, Twitter or any other place to which you may not have wanted to expose yourself.
Another security feature is that some sites let you create a dating profile without needing any of your "real world" information. Obviously, sites that charge for their services need this info, but if they don't, then they don't need it -- and you should think twice about giving it to them.
Remember the old maxim: "Don't say anything online you wouldn't want the whole world to know."
A big part of this is to take stock of your life. In other words, carefully examine any personal and professional risks you might have and what could happen if your private kinks should become public before you do anything online.
Sure, it can be a drag, especially when you realize what you have at stake, but as that other old maxim says, "It is better to be safe than sorry."
READ: Stay Safe: Tips for Protecting Yourself When You're Dating Online.
Now, let's get to why BDSM dating sites can be a LOT of fun.
The biggest of these pros is that BDSM dating sites can be used to connect with like-minded kinksters -- some of whom might even be up for some face-to-face, body-to-mind encounters.
You can also get very specific about what you like, don't like, or might be willing to try. Sites like BeNaughty, Match BDSM, ALT, and fetish.com (to name a few) offer a huge range of options for narrowing down your search for potential playmates.
Name a fetish or playstyle and, dollars to donuts, you'll likely find a checkbox that'll put on any similarly-interested kinksters.
Not having much luck? Don't worry; you can tweak, change or completely rewrite your profile whenever you want.
Getting too much unwanted attention? Never fear; there's often an option to reduce the number of people who can contact you or, if they're getting creepy, methods to report or block them.
READ: How to Date When Kinky.
The best kinky dating sites provide a complete online experience, which means you can send instant or email-like messages or posts and share images and files. For example, fetish.com has forums galore as well as a private chat feature for when you want to get more personal.
In other words, you don't have to make the uncomfortable decision to leave the site to continue communicating with whoever you're flirting with.
A word of warning: It can be a safety red flag if someone insists on getting in touch with you away from a site.
On the subject of real-time private chats, we recommend sites with them because, otherwise, getting to know someone via on-site email can get tedious.
Some BDSM dating sites even have an accompanying Android or Apple app, making it easier to carry on a conversation.
Although, you may want to make sure your phone won't chirp and display "Can't wait to tie you up!" when you least expect it.
READ: Wanna Act Kinky in Public? Here's How to Do It Incognito.
Though playmate finding is the focus for most BDSM dating sites, some sites go the extra mile.
Fetish.com, for example, includes information about 285 different kinks and a regular online magazine covering everything kinksters, however experienced they are, should know.
Meanwhile, others have an extensive network of specialized forums on which can discuss all kinds of kink-related topics. These are a great place to learn BDSM tips and techniques and where you can make great connections.
As kink sites have pretty much become the go-to method for finding play partners, let's take a moment to go over a few basic things about dating online -- kinky or not.
The first is to remember finding someone takes time. The key is accepting that, though the internet moves at light speed, the people using it move at the speed of, well, people.
In other words, don't expect people to immediately respond. Be patient and, most of all, respectful. Coming on too strong or acting privileged will do nothing but get you kicked off the site -- and good riddance!
No answer to your message? Don't get irked; just move on. Someone says something you don't like? Take a deep breath and, you guessed it, move on. Unless, of course, it was worth blocking or reporting.
Never forget online dating is a process; there will be exciting experiences as well as not-so-great ones. Accepting this can be a deciding factor regarding whether you find someone, or someones, to play with.
Dating in the BDSM community is so much easier now that we have all this fancy-dancy, new-fangled, smart-ass technology.
BDSM dating sites can serve as a safe digital space to get to know someone. So, don't be afraid to venture online and have fun exploring an entire world of fellow kinksters eager to chat, discuss, make friends and -- best of all -- play!
READ: Everything You Need to Know About Your First BDSM Play Party.
