Kinky sex is an umbrella term for any sexual acts that society sees as unconventional. In other words, kinky sex is anything sexual act that isn’t vanilla sex.
Kink vs. kinky sex
While all kink has a sexual element, it doesn’t always involve sex. For example, someone who enjoys verbal humiliation may see a dominatrix to satisfy this kink. While their power exchange is kinky, if they’re not having sex it’s not kinky sex. Asexual people may also enjoy kink but not participate in kinky sex.
As its name suggests, kinky sex always includes some kind of sex.
Types of kinky sex
What’s deemed as kinky sex can vary between individuals, depending on how permissive their attitudes are. What one person sees as kinky may seem vanilla to someone with a wider sexual repertoire.
However, some of the sexual activities that some people might call kinky are:
- BDSM
- Roleplay
- Use of sex toys
- Group sex
- Anal sex
- Rough sex
- Sex in public or outdoors (exhibitionist sex)
- Sex that satisfies fetishes
Changing attitudes
Kinky sex was once seen as bizarre or even perverted. However, changing attitudes have led to a greater acceptance of kinky sex. The “Fifty Shades of Grey” books and subsequent films focused on a power-exchange couple became mainstream hits and popular magazines like Cosmopolitan began discussing kinky sex more positively and openly in the 2010s than they did in the 1990s. People who have kinky sex are often considered liberated and playful.
What constitutes kinky sex has also shifted. For example, a Kinsey study in the late 1940s found most Americans had not had oral sex, which was considered a kinky form of sex at the time. A 2021 Vice study found just two percent of people thought oral sex was kinky. Today oral sex is so permissible that more than 85 percent of people have had it and nearly half the population don’t even think it counts as sex. It also took until 2013 for experts to stop classifying kinks as mental health conditions.
While kink has greater visibility and mainstream acceptance than ever, there’s still a stigma around kinky sex in some sectors of the population. Some religious groups accuse kinksters of acting sinfully or immorally. Some feminist groups argue that kinky sex can be misogynistic and violent. Many people feel they need to be closeted about their kinky sexual activities to avoid discrimination in their professional and personal lives.
“I think there are a number of things that are contributing to kink becoming more visible. One of the big factors is the influence of media, particularly social media, and how there is increased access to not only information about kink, but a spotlight on kinky people,” Dr. Elyssa Helfer, a certified clinical sexologist who teaches Diversity in Sexual Expression, Advanced Theories in Sex Therapy and Advanced Kink at Antioch University, told Kinkly. “With visibility comes normalization, and I believe that media exposure is allowing for more eyes on the kink community.”
“While there is certainly a lot more work to do, I do think that the stigma surrounding kink is slowly decreasing and while I think that visibility and access are contributing factors, I certainly believe that a big portion of that change is due to the incredible efforts of activists and folks who fight for the right to sexual freedom,” she added. “This is particularly relevant when we look at the changes in the DSM-5 and how the language around kink and its connection to mental health has shifted. Kink in and of itself is no longer categorized as a mental health disorder, which contradicted many past claims that kink must be related to trauma or that kinky people must have mental health struggles. The shift in that language, and quite literally the diagnostic codes, has had a massive ripple effect and challenged the way kink is viewed.”
Benefits of kinky sex
As kinky sex has become more accepted, people are starting to see the benefits of sexual play that’s outside the norm. Consensual kinky sex can improve mental health and well-being. It can be a great way to relieve stress, which helps people feel calmer and less anxious. A study of BDSM practitioners also found they were more outgoing and open to new experiences than people who stuck to vanilla sex.
“Some people experience healing, catharsis, and emotional connection through kink,” Anna Richards, a sex educator and founder of the erotic ethical porn site FrolicMe, told Kinkly. “The experience of being a submissive and putting all the power in a dominant's hands can allow someone to feel a profound sense of trust. Being a dominant and having a submissive's pleasure in your hands can also be rewarding, as it feels like you are taking care of that person and curating an experience for them. Regardless of what someone's kink is, they can gain a sense of acceptance, comfort, and intimacy by sharing it with a partner and having that partner embrace that part of them.”
“It can allow for more freedom and expression of the self, it could introduce new and exciting dynamics into a relationship, and it can just be fun,” Dr. Helfer explained. “I also find that engaging in kink typically requires a higher level of intentional communication than what sometimes exists in non-kinky sex, which can be really beneficial for folks even beyond their kinky interactions. Kinky sex plays into the expansive nature of eroticism and engages parts of the imagination that are so often shut down once we enter adulthood.”
How common is kinky sex?
The 2015 Sexual Exploration in America Study, one of the largest scale studies into sexual behaviors, found kinky sex was far from fringe. It found 43 percent of men and 37 percent of women engaged in anal sex, around 43 percent had sex in public, 22 percent engaged in roleplaying, and 20 percent participated in bondage.
Some people may also have kinky sex without realizing it. Kayla Lords, the host of the Loving BDSM podcast, told Fatherly, “Many vanilla couples engage in kinky sex without calling it that. Ever given your partner a spank during sex? Well, that could be considered ‘impact play,’ a popular favorite within the BDSM community.”
More recent studies suggest kinky sex is only becoming more common. In 2022, one-third of American men said they were feeling more sexually experimental now than before the COVID-19 pandemic began in 2020. Young people also seem to be more willing to experiment with non-vanilla sex. A 2018 survey of Harvard students found 46 percent had engaged in BDSM, 40 percent had tried anal, and 24 percent had threesomes or moresomes.
If people aren’t actually having kinky sex, studies show they’re probably thinking about it. Nearly three-quarters of men and two-thirds of women surveyed by IllicitEncounters say they have a kinky side. Research from Dr. Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute found that 95 percent of men and 87 percent of women have fantasized about group sex, 96 percent of women and 93 percent of men have fantasized about BDSM, 87 percent of men and 72 percent of women have fantasized about sex they thought was taboo.
How to explore kinky sex
While kinks are common, roughly 32 percent of men and 31 percent of women keep their fantasies secret from their partners. Sharing sexual fantasies can help intimate partners connect and reduce any shame or embarrassment they feel. Sharing also opens the door to further exploration of the fantasy.
Open communication is the foundation of healthy kink exploration. People should feel safe to discuss their kinky fantasies honestly, without the fear their partner will judge them. If their partner shows interest in the same kink, they might decide to act on the fantasy. All partners should feel informed about the kink and understand how it might play out before giving their consent. It might take extra research to get a complete understanding of the kinky sex practice and recommended safety measures.
“For folks who don’t know where to start, this is where utilizing resources comes in. Now, not all resources are created equal and it is crucial that resources are vetted to ensure that the information that someone is receiving is coming from somebody who is knowledgeable in this area,” Dr. Helfer explained. “In addition, one thing people often overlook is seeking professional support. For those of us who specialize in kink-related therapy, we often work with clients who are exploring their kink identities and navigating new communities!”
“You can also take a class like the classes on Beducated, or watch videos on ethical porn sites to get ideas,” Richards added. “FrolicMe has a library specifically of kinky sex videos.”
Sharing hard and soft limits can make sure the kinky sex never crosses any partner’s boundaries. They should also agree on a safe word and safe signal they can use to stop or slow the kinky sex if they’re feeling uncomfortable.
Slow exploration is always best. For example, before rushing into group sex a couple might explore the idea by using toys or role-playing. If these activities feel safe, they might consider having sex with someone else. They might also decide to join kink communities to meet like-minded people and learn more about their new sexual interest.
“I'd recommend taking baby steps and starting with something low-risk, like incorporating dirty talk or taking turns tying each other up with a basic sash and pleasing the person who has been tied up,” Richards suggested. “Couples who are into exhibitionism or voyeurism may also try having sex at sex clubs, sunbathing at nude beaches, or vacationing to clothing-optional resorts. “
Exploring kinky sex can feel emotionally overwhelming. Aftercare can help people level out their emotions and feel safe with their partner after kinky sex. Aftercare can look different for different people, but might include cuddling, talking about the experience, and refueling with snacks or drinks.
Exploring kinky sex alone
Singles don’t need to miss out on kinky sex, as Dr. Helfer commented.
“The expansiveness of kink allows for connection far beyond what some would consider normative penetrative sex. There are ways to engage psychologically with kink that can be incredibly arousing and exciting and lean more into hierarchical power dynamics rather than the physical acts or sensations during sex. Solo play can also involve learning new skills, taking classes, and engaging in community events. Lastly, when it comes to solo sex, there is no limit to where our imaginations can take us and engaging with our thoughts during solo sex can be a fun (and usually safe) way to participate.”
Singles could also use the services of a professional dominant or fetish provider. Again it’s best to be informed and go slowly. Sex workers can help anyone new to kink learn more about this side of their sexuality and feel comfortable enough to explore it further.
Safety tips
Many of the best practices for exploring kinky sex are designed to keep people safe. Open communication about limits and informed consent can ensure everyone is on the same page before kinky sex occurs. Any person having kinky sex can withdraw their consent at any time they don't feel comfortable. Agreeing on a safe word and a signal to use if someone cannot speak can make withdrawing consent easier.
“While I know that there are some folks who are a bit resistant to the use of safe words, it truly can allow for not just a higher level of safety to be introduced to a scene, but a higher level of comfort,” Dr. Helfer said. “Knowing that someone can opt out of a scene at any time is incredibly freeing and can often allow people to get even more vulnerable in a play space.”
Aftercare is also a common practice used to care for everyone’s emotional well-being.
Using condoms can reduce the risk of unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections, especially when the kinky sex involves new partners. Dr. Helfer also encouraged people to consider their play partners carefully.
“While pick-up play and random encounters can be thrilling, it may open the door to negative experiences,” she advised. “It is important to ensure that people who folks are playing with are knowledgeable about kink, especially in the realm of safety and consent.”
Some types of kinky sex have unique safety practices to consider. For example, it’s important to know where to safely strike a partner to avoid organ damage when spanking. While internet research can be a good starting point, Richards recommends taking classes taught by professionals before engaging in advanced kink practices, such as impact play.
