A ménage a trois, or threesome, as they are more popularly called, are unique sexual experiences involving three people who are as equally invested in their partners' pleasure as they are in their own.
Threesomes also provide an opportunity to try new things in the bedroom. Many people find threesomes a uniquely eye-opening sexual experience, but they can be quite tricky to navigate for first-timers.
READ: I Had My First Threesome at Age 48 and Learned 5 Crucial Things.
So, if a threesome's on your bucket list, here's how to get started -- and increase the odds that it'll be a success for everyone involved:
Once you decide you want to have your first threesome, the next question becomes, "With who?"
For many people, the most obvious choices fall into one of three categories:
With whomever you choose to initiate your first threesome, maintaining an open line of communication is vital.
READ: Finding and Caring for a Third in a Threesome: A Unicorn Guide.
Figuring out who you're going to have your threesome with is only half the equation.
What comes next is making sure that you're communicating with your partners in a manner that is clear, concise and respectful.
Imagine being formal without the formalities: It's not just about telling your partners what you want to do in the bedroom, but also understanding your partner's limits/boundaries and their understanding of yours.
With that said, here are some important points on which to touch before getting naked:
The art of negotiating with threesomes isn't like closing a business deal; it's about reaching a mutually consensual agreement between you and your partners. A good framework for this discussion could be a "Will, Want and Won't" list, wherein you establish:
Sometimes, when things are getting hot and heavy, you or your partner(s) may forget about the lists and attempt to initiate activities you hadn't previously discussed. Other times, your partners may try pushing your boundaries or testing the waters to see if you will bite. And other times still, you might find you do want to do something you thought you didn't, or that you don't want to do something you thought you did.
In those cases, remember consent works both ways and you can stop at any time. Communication doesn't stop once your clothes come off; and respecting boundaries makes for a successful threesome.
So, what exactly does compromise in a threesome look like? In short, many things.
For example, your partners' "will," "want" and "won't" lists might look different from yours. Maybe two partners might have the same activity on their "will" list and the other has it on their "won't" list. In this case, compromising could look like two partners engaging in a mutual "want" activity while the other partner leaves them to it or watches. The third partner could stay engaged by voicing positive words of affirmation, watching and masturbating, sensually touching their or their partners' erogenous zones or even adding some additional stimulation with hands, their mouth or toys.
Incorporating different sensations can be pretty beneficial and enhancing to the experience.
Feeling like the third wheel in a threesome isn't just about jealousy; it's about ensuring you and your partners are as engaged as possible so that no one feels excluded, even when all parties aren't actively participating in the fun.
Jealousy is normal, and communication can help. If you're unsure where you stand on this, talk to your partners about how you feel so you can find ways to make sure everyone feels included.
Checking in with your partners is another way to make sure everyone is having fun. For your first time in a threesome, when a lot is going on, feeling like the third wheel can be overwhelming and cause a partner to dissociate or disengage from what's taking place.
Remember that it's OK to stop mid-romp and check in with everyone to make sure they're OK. Remember that your partners are not mind readers.
READ: 7 Tips to Help a Shy Partner Open Up Sexually.
We're not mind-readers; but we can try to be body readers.
In other words, paying attention to body language is important. Sometimes subconsciously, the need to "finish" the deed takes precedence over taking a break, with some partners forgetting their limits altogether. That means people won't always speak up when they are tired or need a break. If you sense one of your partners physically disengaging, you can help by voicing what you've noticed and inviting them to communicate verbally -- even something as simple as "Would you like a break?"
If you are planning an all-day event, try planning breaks in advance to prevent fatigue.
Protecting your feelings is one thing. Protecting your body is another.
While practicing safer sex can look different for each threesome, the best way to protect yourself and others from STIs is by using condoms and other barriers. Other ways include asking your partner about their status or asking for paperwork. While it's their choice whether they want to show you their status or disclose their most recent STI test results, it is your choice if you want to have sex with them. Do what makes you comfortable.
READ: 8 Myths About STIs - And the Truth Behind Them.
Safer sex also includes things like using safewords/signals or communicating ahead of time how soft or hard you enjoy certain sensations. This can prevent things like unnecessary soreness or injuries later.
Sex toys are great for so many reasons. They can enhance any sexual expereince by adding sensations or can be combined with existing sensations during play.
Here's a breakdown of sex toys you may want to incorporate into your first threesome:
I might be a little biased, but vibrations are my favorite stimulation. They're versatile and very easy to introduce into any type of play. Anal play? Add some vibrations. Oral sex? Add some vibrations. Penetration? Add some vibrations. The point is the possibilities are endless.
Here are some of my personal recommendations:
READ: 5 Ways You Didn't Know You Could Use a Bullet Vibrator.
If you or your partners are into penetrative sex, dildos can be great for supplying that sensation. Some enjoy the feeling of something inside of them, filling them up combined with thrusting.
Butt plugs supply the same feeling by pushing up on certain points in the body, which just ups the ante during play. If you're feeling really spicy, a vibrating butt plug will be the cherry on top to any additional stimulation. Here are some of my personal recommendations:
READ: Everything You'll Ever Need to Know About Choosing the Right Dildo for You.
For penis owners, strokers and vibrators are great for creating new sensations, especially when combined with touching, kissing and licking. For example, combing sensory deprivation like a blindfold or restricting movement with cuffs and rope ties while using a stroker can intensify sensations and orgasms.
Vibrators, like bullets or wand massagers, also pair quite nicely with oral sex. If your partners are open to it, one partner can stimulate the top of someone's penis with their hands or mouth while the other does the same to their balls, pairing it with the vibrations.
Here are some of my personal recommendations:
READ: 7 Steps to Choosing a Masturbation Sleeve.
With threesomes (and, truly, with most sexual encounters) fluids and secretions are guaranteed to be exchanged -- especially when sharing sex toys.
I recommend using body-safe sex toys that are non-pourous, meaning they do not have tiny microscopic holes in them where body secretions and fluids can hide. This is because porous sex toy materials can harbor germs and bacteria that cannot be easily cleaned or sanitized. Non-porous sex toy materials like medical-grade silicone, stainless steel, glass and ABS plastic.
READ: Sex Toy Safety: A Guide to Materials.
Lube is another way to enhance sensations and reduce friction during sex. My personal favorites for sex are water-based and silicone-based because they pair great with condoms.
Water-based lubricant a great universal lube for all types of sex -- however, it might wash away easier if your threesome makes its way into the shower.
Silicone lubricant will last longer without the need to re-apply often, however, they shouldn't be used with silicone sex toys, as they can break down the materials on the sex toy and void the manufacturer’s warranty.
Oil-based lubricants are great for their moisturizing and long-lasting properties. They are also compatible with most sex toy materials. However, if you plan on using condoms, this lube should be avoided as oil and condoms do not mix well and will cause the condom to rip or tear. Some gynaecologists also recommend avoiding oil-based lube for penetrative sex involving a vagina, as they can leave a coating on the vagina that increases the risk of bacterial infections.
Hybrid lubricants are typically a combination of water and silicone. You get the long-lasting and silky-feeling benefits of a silicone lubricant with the moisturizing slipperiness of a water-based lubricant combined into one. Hybrid lubes are also very compatible with condoms.
READ: QUIZ: Which Lube Is Right for You?
You have your partners and your toys. Now what? It can be a bit challenging finding different positions where everyone can be an active participant and feel included in the fun. Whatever position(s) you decide to try, be sure to communicate about each partner's physical comfort and adapt as necessary to find ones that work for all three bodies.
Luckily, Kinkly has got you covered. Here are some positions you can try out during your threesome:
To get into this position, first have the bottom-most partner lie down on their back. They'll be the base. From there, have the middle person straddle of the bottom-most partner, like a Missionary position, while facing the bottom-most partner. The top person, who will be the penetrative partner, then kneels behind the middle partner and slides into them.
The top partner can use a vibrator on the partner they are penetrating by reaching around them and placing a wand massager on their genitals. The partner receiving the penetration can also play with their partner's breast or make out with them.
To get into the Doubling position, the bottom-most partner should lie down on a plushy surface. From there, the person who will receive oral sex from them will squat over their face for easy access. Finally, the person who is providing oral sex to the bottom-most partner can get on all fours between the bottom partner's legs and get busy.
If mobility is an issue with squatting, at the comfort of your partner, you can kneel down on your partner’s face. While doing that, you can touch and make out with your other partner and even use a vibrator on their genitals for increased sensations.
To get into this position, we recommend starting with the person who will receive oral sex. Find furniture of the proper height and have this person sit down and spread their legs.
If the partner receiving oral sex is a wheelchair user and they are able to open their legs, they may be able to stay in their wheelchair for this position to work. The penetrating partner can use a vibrator on their partner by reaching around them and placing it on their partner's genitals. Similarly, the penetrative recipient can use a vibrator on themselves on the partner they are performing oral sex on.
To get into the Spit Roast sex position, we recommend starting with one partner and building upon that. The first person's position will vary based on your dynamic, heights, and body types.
For most people, starting with one of the people on the ends of the Spit Roast makes it easier to achieve all of the necessary angles in the end. At the comfort of the partner receiving penetration while performing oral sex, The oral sex recipient can lie down and watch the other partner penetrate their partner. The penetrating partner can use their hands to touch their partner or use a vibrator to stimulate the penetrating recipient. The penetrating recipient can also use a vibrator for some dual stimulation to their partner while performing oral sex.
To get into this position, the focal-point partner lays down flat on their back. This position may be easiest for someone who has limited mobility.
The person receiving oral sex will have their hands free, which presents an opportunity for touching the other partner's erogenous zones and using a vibrator on the partner who is experiencing penetration.
Threesomes can be a fun, consensual and fulfilling sexual experience as long as the line of communication is kept open and you and your partners listen to each other and your bodies.
There is no one way to have a perfect threesome because there is no such thing as a perfect threesome. But keeping these tips in mind can keep things fun and interactive for all parties included.
